This Week's RED HOT Celebrity Birthday (2/1 - 2/7)

This Week's RED HOT Celebrity Birthday (2/1 - 2/7)
Eddie Bracken, best known for his role as Walley World owner Roy Walley in NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION would be celebrating his 95th birthday on February 7th were it not for his death in 2002. The Montclair, NJ resident and star of radio, screen and stage, Bracken died several months after his wife/actress, Connie, passed away. if you make it to Heaven, be sure to check out Eddie and wife Connie in the highly entertaining BACK IN BRACKEN, a true favorite with the elderly deceased.

Monday, December 10, 2007

A TV Judge Weilds a Gay Gavel!

I remember a more simpler time when the only television judge on my 18" Magnavox was one Joseph A. Wapner and his trusty bailiff Rusty, a cloudy coiffed burly man who stood beside the sage magistrate, crossing his arms like a cigar store indian and walking to and fro the judge's bench to bring his obedient master paperwork from the show's various plaintiffs and defendants. Ahhhhhh, Rusty, as his name would indicate, was like an older, well-trained purebred canine, and I loved every minute of watching the rapport these men shared. Sadly, the Lone Ranger and Tonto of courtroom television have long since been supplanted by a horde of inferior judges and bailiffs.

* Judge Joseph Wapner was America's first television judge on The People's Court, which also starred Rusty the Bailiff and host Doug Llewelyn.

For starters, I do derive joy from watching Judge Judy's abrassiveness toward the dregs of American society, but I don't particularly care for her personal asides about her husband (failed tv judge Jerry Scheindlin), children and grandchildren. However, overall, she's a dame I'd quickly toss my lady friend out of bed for. I bet she's got a nice pair of thin gams and bony knees behind that wooden bench of hers!

All the other judges who have made it onto and/or off the airwaves have represented almost every race, color, creed and religion. Like Judge Judy Scheindlin, there have been other Jewish judges: Jerry Scheindlin, Judy's hubby; former NYC mayor Ed Koch; and rumor has it that the obnoxious, inappropriate, blubbering Judge Larry Seidlin of the "Battle of Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Daddy Case" is on the prowl for a tv gig. Of course, television can't forget the rednecks, so they gave Judge Larry Joe Doherty a show with "Texas Justice." And there have also been judges that represent the African-American demographic (Joe Brown, Glenda Hatchett, Ephriam Mablean and Greg Mathis) and Hispanic faction (Maria Lopez, Marilyn Milian and Christina Perez). I'm sure an Asian or Muslim judge is waiting in the wings.
* Judge Larry Seidlin blubbers on the bench in hopes that a tv casting agent will take to his obnoxious courtroom manner. As of now, there have been no takers.

One judge, however, who is no longer waiting for the chance to "represent" is Judge David Young, an out and about showtune-singin' gay judge with a touch of Southern twang in his voice. The former clerk at F. Lee Bailey's law firm who went on to become a Miami judge is the latest addition to the television courtroom arena. What makes Young's show even better is his bailiff Tawya Young (no relation), a sassy, eye rollin' black woman with hair that's inappropriately done up for a courtroom officer.

* Judge David Young and his bailiff Tawya Young first aired on September 10, 2007. Though they are far from being the duo that was Wapner and Rusty, this duet will surely entertain with a lot of singin' and finger snappin'.

For more information about Judge David Young and his partner in crime, be sure to visit http://www.judgedavidyoung.com/ for the 411 on this addition to America's daytime airwaves.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (11/26 - 12/2)


What is going on with guys like Monday Night Football's Tony Kornheiser who think they're fooling everyone with their mediocre combovers (Yes, a combover can be done right!)? Guys like Kornheiser, especially when they're seen by millions of television viewers weekly, should efface the pathetic wisps of hair that are sadly combed from east to west or west to east in a futile attempt at follicular foolery. Have these men no WOMEN in their lives to lead them down the straight and narrow, helping them embrace their skulls?

Monday, December 3, 2007

This Week's Separated at Birth (12/3 - 12/9)


* Yes, ages and ethnicities have collided on this one, but can't you see how actor Vincent "King of Horror" Price could be the grandpa of Prince? Aside from their pencil-thin moustaches, both performers' stares shout "Come hither!" Forget about Price lending his voice to Michael Jackson's Thriller. I would've loved to have seen him lay down some vocal tracks for Prince's Sexy Motherfucker.

Monday, November 26, 2007

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (11/19 - 11/25)


I am IRATE over what all of America will be exposed to this coming week as part of the Thanksgiving holiday. HINT: It'll involve President G.W.B. What I'm referring to is none other than the lame-ass presidential pardon of a turkey! What on earth is the point of this juvenile photo-op when, according to PETA, most of these pardoned peckers usually die within a year. Oh well, just another story polluting our airwaves and presses. Something tells me this bird won't be lovingly named Scooter Libby!

This Week's Separated at Birth (11/26 - 12/2)


* Years ago, my buddies and I came up with the name for an affliction that strikes many men as they get up there in years. In brief, men like Phil Rizzuto, in their twilight years, appear more and more like women, a syndrome known as O.L.S. (Old Lady Syndrome). Sadly, its cruel symptoms can strike many unsuspecting geriatrics, such as the Scooter, causing them to appear more and more like old maids and school marms. As for the recently-deceased Rizzuto, Father Time genetically engineered the Hall of Famer's DNA so that he'd look like tv Golden Girl Sophia Petrillo, played by actress Estelle Getty. Jeez! Even Rizzuto's scarf matches the fabric pattern of Sophia's dress.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock (11/12 - 11/18)






I am SICK and TIRED of seeing everyone and their mother wearing these UGG boots. Hey ladies, there ain't no reason to be wearing these sheepskin hoofers when you aren't braving arctic teperatures. Everywhere I look now I see UGG boots, slippers, shoes and HANDBAGS? Last Christmas, I purchased my ladyfriend a pair of Isotoner boots for $18.99. I knew she wanted the UGG label, but I wasn't about to cave in. My lady ain't going to be like these mall-strutting yuppy housewives, sipping a soy milk latte, wearing a Bluetooth earpiece, and pushing a double decker baby carriage. Oh no, the Isotoners, though she'd prefer not to admit it, take care of my lady's tootsies just fine!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

This Week's Separated at Birth (11/12 - 11/18)


*Legendary jazz musician Miles Davis, made gaunt by a heroin addiction, looked similar to that legendary movie icon Predator. Thankfully, Davis didn't share a similar mouth; it would've made playing the trupet a helluva lot harder!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Scandalous Senator's Santa Beard No Longer Cuts It

Besmirched Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho), who was once a member of the House Ethics Committee, was told on Friday that his services will no longer be needed by the Boise Rotary Club. For the past 18 years, the Republian senator has set aside the first weekend in December, dressing in full Santa gear and handing out gifts to in-need children from the greater Boise area. This year, however, the Rotarians have decided to go for a more "authentic" looking Santa Claus, claiming that Craig's arrest for allegedly soliciting sex in a restroom had nothing to do with their decision.
* Craig's mugshot for engaging in lewd conduct in June, which the senator would've gladly traded for a money shot.


According to James Frienerth, a member of the Boise Chapter, "Senator Craig has worked hard as the dickens for us for many years, but his beard isn't convincing." Freinerth went on to state that his fellow members, despite having reservations about Craig's beard for several years, haven't had the heart to let Craig go, allowing the saintly senator to continue donating his time for them and the local children, but "This year we had to part company with him. Too many realistic Santas popping up at malls with their full grown, real beards has set a higher bar for us. The fake beard may cut it at an Elks Lodge, but not with the Rotary. We may reconsider if he [Craig] grew a real beard."
* Senator Craig sits before a small group of children at last year's annual "Storytime with Santa" at the Boise Rotary Club.


Though it's often been stated that Rotarians are to be taken for their word, one cannot help but notice the timeliness of this chapter's decision, mere months after Craig was arrested for lewd conduct, pleading to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct. One thing's for sure: The Boise Rotary will treat the children to a more authentic-looking Santa inside their chapter's four walls; meanwhile, outdoors they will not have to contend with any Larry Craig detractors.
* Protesters who will not be picketing outside the Boise Rotary Club this December.

Monday, November 5, 2007

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock (10/29 - 11/4)


I'm irritated by the hoity-toity title of Wes Anderson's latest reel of celluloid schlock: The Darjeeling Limited. C'mon Mr. Anderson, aren't you an American? Where do you get off using words like "Darjeeling" in your film's title? Something tells me that this film has BOMB written all over it. Maybe Owen Wilson's suicide attempt is connected to the utter stank that has been emitting from artsy-fartsy liberal movie houses whenever this trainwreck flickers onto the screen. This Wilson guy, perhaps, wanted to abandon ship before D-Day. Seriously, The Darjeeling Limited sounds like a set of diamonique jewelry pieces that my lady friend would order on QVC at 2:15 a.m., not the title for a film.

This Week's Separated at Birth (11/5 - 11/11)

A buddy of mine, when he and I were sipping a cup of Sanka the other day at the luncheonette, saw a picture of that kid who stars in HBO's Entourage. Anyway, he pointed to the pic in the newspaper and remarked about how much the kid looks like Greg Brady. Well, I must admit that Entourage's Grenier bares a likeness to Mr. Barry Williams. Thanks for the find, John!


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Fly Away Goulet: Legendary Peformer Dead at 73

October 30, 2007: The day the music died. That's right, Robert Gerard Goulet, has passed away at the age of 73 in a Los Angeles hospital, where the actor and singer had been awaiting a lung transplant since October 22.


The 73-year-old Goulet, who was born in Lawrence, Massachusetts in 1933 as an only child to parents Joseph and Jeanette, both of whom were of French-Canadian descent, made his mark on Broadway when he appeared in Broadway's Camelot. The twentysomething actor so impressed the team of Lerner and Loewe that they awarded him the part of Lancelot in the 1960 production, placing the young Goulet in a cast that included Richard Burton as King Arthur and Julie Andrews as Queen Guenevere; in '62 he won a Grammy for "Best New Artist." Not long after, in 1968, Goulet won a Tony for his performance in The Happy Time, a Kander and Ebb musical.
* A suave, tuxedoed Goulet (sans moustache) circa 1963.
* Mr. Goulet, appearing as only he can, with his trademark black coif, wide, full moustache, and piercing blue eyes.

Goulet, in terms of film, appeared in Tim Burton's Beetlejuice, with Bill Murray in Scrooged, and as Quentin Hapsburg in Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear. However, it was the singer's ability to embrace his kitschiness as a lounge lizard with a velvety voice that endeared him to the masses, appearing in television commercials for ESPN and Emerald Nuts. This Goulet persona was spoofed by Will Ferrell in several popular Saturday Night Live sketches. * Just one of Will Ferrell's riotously funny skits where he appeared as Robert Goulet.


Robert Goulet is survived by his wife of 25 years, Vera, his daughter Nikki from his first marriage, and his sons Christopher and Michael, who he had with actress/singer Carol Lawrence, his second wife. Funeral arrangements have yet to be announced.

Monday, October 29, 2007

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock (10/22 - 10/28)


I'm irritated by a man who's been my neighbor for 21 years, Bill Merriwether, who had insisted on telling me that his great nephew is the actor Will Smith. This guy's claimed to be a distant cousin of James Brown, a groomsman at Aretha Franklin's second marriage, and the nephew of Frederick Douglass.

I first suspected that Bill was full of manure when I learned that Douglass was born in 1817, nearly 125 years before Bill. Secretly, my pals and I have been calling him "Bullshit Bill" for the past 10 years or so. Anyway, Bill thought he was all hotsy-totsy when those MEN IN BLACK movies came out, never missing a chance to remind me of his famous nephew "Willy" whenever we'd see each other at the post office, the bank, or the luncheonette. In fact, he continued with this charade every now and again, adding little remarks like "Willy's new movie with his son is coming out!" and "God, that Jada is somethin' beautiful, ain't she?"

Anyway, just the other day I was at the local luncheonette, where some of the guys from the neighborhood and I sit down to drink coffee and complain about the taxes, when Bill entered. I figured I'd have some fun with my old neighbor, so I asked, "Hey, Bill, did you read about your Willy in the paper?" He was caught off guard, but he tried to play it cool, offering a nonchalant, "No I didn't, Reid. I haven't spoken with him in a few weeks. How's he doing? What'd you read?" Bill was pouring his coffee at the luncheonette's self-service counter; his back was to me and the guys, so I winked at my table of buddies before relaying to Bill that his famous relative came out as a gay man. Bill continued pouring his cup and proceeded to do it up with a little milk and sugar as if he didn't hear me before replying, "You know that's not true, Reid. Don't talk like that." After I winked at my round table of cronies, my buddy Hal added, "It certainly is true. He's leaving his wife. It was in yesterday's paper." I didn't want any crass remarks to be exchanged, but before I could interject, my other pal Kevin stated, "Yep, queerer than a three-dollar bill." I felt bad for Bill when he turned around, but he said, "He's not my nephew, guys. He's a distant cousin . . . very distant."

My heart was going out to Bill . . . before he opened his mouth. I had initially been irritated with Bill because of his lies, but this new lie was even more pathetic: Because Bill took the proverbial bait that we were dangling, he chose to distance himself from an actor who isn't even his relative to begin with; on top of that, he isn't even gay. Oh well, just another case of lies breeding more lies. I just can't wait to hear how Bill will manage to reclaim Will Smith as his great nephew after he learns the truth.

This Week's Separated At Birth (10/29 - 11/4)


* Paul Williams, the pint-sized songwriter of "The Rainbow Connection" and "We've Only Just Begun," could very well be the proud papa of Robbie Rist, The Brady Bunch's Cousin Oliver. Are you interested in what Cousin Oliver's up to today? Check out his website at www.robbierist.com !

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Burger King Crowned By Kids

A couple of Massachusetts school children assaulted Burger King's mascot last Tuesday during a lunch time visit to a local chain on their way home from a field trip. Unfortunately for Burger King, this occured only a little more than a week after the fast food chain embarked on a campaign that will send hundreds of their masked mascots to their restaurants across the U.S. to make appearances, posing with children for photos and blowing up crown-shaped balloons.

The BK location in Plymouth, where 9 special needs students from W.E.B. Du Bois Elementary School were playing in the "King's Playpalace" outside of the dining area, was being visited by one of many regal mascots who set out on the nationwide meet and greet. Around 1:30 p.m., shortly after the students and their two teachers had dined indoors, the Burger King himself entered the play area, waving his two hands as he approached the rambunctious children.
* Burger King's Plymouth, MA location, the site where a deaf girl and an autistic boy injured a Burger King.

One of the teachers, Melinda Grossman, recalled, "We would've preferred he [the Burger King] didn't show up. Our kids have special needs, and some are unpredictable with strangers." According to Grossman, however, the children aren't always the party at fault. On this day, the mascot unknowingly formed a sexually suggestive message via sign language. "One of our students who is deaf felt threatened by the gesture. It was blatantly sexual, so she kicked in the guy's knee and ran inside, locking herself in the restroom." Another student, an autistic boy, coped with the situation by applying a bear hug to the costumed man's mid-section. "The guy was screaming inside his mask; I told him to calm down."
* Grossman, a teacher at W.E.B. Du Bois for 13 years, pictured with two of her special needs students.

The man inside the costume, Eric Heidler, a 20-year-old San Diego State University drama student who arranged a semester-long sabattical for this Burger King gig, removed the plastic mask soon after he was grabbed by the 11-year-old boy. "I was out of breath," explained Heidler, who is now back home at his parents' house in Carmel, California. "I took off the mask, and I thought I dropped it. Honestly, I was dizzy. The kid had a strong hold on me, but I didn't hit him."
* The Burger King himself, Eric Heidler, at home in the comfort of his parents' arms, denies assaulting a young boy with his mask.

As for the opinion of Grossman, Heidler's actions could cost the Burger King corporation a king's ransom. "He brought down the mask on my student's face, chipping his front tooth. That doesn't happen by simply dropping the mask. He knows what really happened. An apology would be nice."

All calls to Burger King's corporate headquarters in Miami, Florida for a comment on the alleged assault have gone unanswered. John Chidsey, however, Burger King's CEO, released a terse statement on Friday, stating, "We at Burger King will vigilantly investigate what happened in Plymouth. Even though Mr. Heidler, an employee of ours, was released by the authorities and charged with no crime, we have still contacted the local authorities to gather any information they have on record. As always, Burger King will do what is in its customers' best interest. We live by our motto: Have It Your Way."
* The boyish Burger King cartoon from the 1970s, clean-shaven and innocent.
* Burger King altered their mascot's appearance in the '80s, making him appear more like a super hero, when they decided that he'd possess the power of magical hands.
* BK's current incarnation of "The King" looks more like a character at Disney World than a fastfood chain's mascot.

Monday, October 22, 2007

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock (10/15 - 10/21)


I'm irritated by this "hip" breakfast food company known as Kashi, which has to plaster phrases like "GO LEAN" and "Heart to Heart" on all of their boxes. It's my contention that this purveyor of "heart healthy" foods is funneling money to the likes of Al-Qaeda. C'mon, when have you ever heard of a name like Kashi making breakfast foods in the good ol' US of A? What's wrong with General Mills, Kelloggs, Quaker and Jimmy Dean? These are names that speak to the red, the white and the blue!!! You go ahead and buy your Kashi all you want; I'll stick to my bowls of Kix and Trix, sleeping comfortably at night with the knowledge that my hard-earned dough isn't supporting another terrorist cell.

This Week's Seaparated At Birth (10/22 - 10/28)


* Deceased comedic actress Ruth Gordon, best known for her roles in Rosemary's Baby, Harold and Maude, and as Clint Eastwood's mother in Every Which Way But Loose and the sequel, Any Which Way You Can, looked very similar (in her later years) to Zira, the female ape from Planet of the Apes with whom Charlton Heston shares an on-screen kiss.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

A Split In The Making: Yanks' Skipper Declines Job Offer

Earlier today, the New York Yankees' manager Joe Torre said goodbye to the Bronx. The skipper's 12-year legacy in the Bronx, which included 12 postseason appearances and 4 World Series championships, couldn't be prolonged despite an enticing 5-million-dollar contract for the '08 season, including an additional million dollars for each time Torre and the Yanks progressed in the postseason. All tolled, Torre could've conceivably raked in 8 million dollars, making him 2 million richer than Lee Majors' fictitious character Steve Austin.

Though many sports journalists have only been painting a less than rosy picture of the Steinbrenner-Torre relationship in the past year, their union has been strained for quite some time. One might even say, if the evidence were readily available, that Torre's departure was a long time in the making . . .

1.) The relationship began to turn sour when Torre, a well-known cheapskate, patronized a Super 8 Motel in Tampa, Florida instead of staying at the boss-owned Steinbrenner Ramada Inn in Ocala, Florida when he was on vacation with his family in February of 2004. What Torre saved during that week in February by vacating a room at "The 8" was an estimated $24.75 per night.
* Steinbrenner's Ramada (top) got the Torre shaft for the Super 8.

2.) In 2005, when George Steinbrenner's horse Bellamy Road was the favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, Torre accurately bet the winning superfecta (Giacomo, Closing Argument, Afleet Alex, and Don't Get Mad) and won $113,184.60. As for poor old Bellamy, he finished seventh and was turned into glue.
* Bellamy Road neither won, place nor showed at the '05 Kentucky Derby much to Joe Torre's delight and George Steinbrenner's disgust.

3.) In 2006 the Yankees' head honcho was reported to have called Joe Torre an "Abe Vigoda-looking son-of-a-bitch guinea!" after the Bombers lost a game to the lowly Kansas City Royals. Torre, who caught wind of the comment from one of his moles, retaliated, calling Steinbrenner a "Partridge Family manager-looking son-of-a-bitch kraut!"
* Steinbrenner struck first, saying that Torre resembles elderly actor Abe Vigoda of television's Barney Miller.
* Torre struck back, comparing his boss to actor Dave Madden, who played Ruben Kincaid, the manager on The Partridge Family.

4.) This year Steinbrenner, whose players have been wearing their hair to his liking for quite some time, became bored with his lack of demands on his staff's appearance. Tired with merely grumbling at GM Brian Cashman for wearing short-sleeve dress shirts, Steinbrenner decided to have words with Torre about wearing his hat too low. He accused the manager of looking "too sinister." In retaliation, Torre often donned his cap high on his dome.
* Torre began wearing his hat low this season (above), but he switched to a polar opposite look (below) to irritate Steinbrenner.

Goodbye Mr. Joseph Torre. Hopefully, at the age of 68, you'll enjoy your retirement and not decide to join some fledgling franchise. Look at it this way: You left the boss with egg on his face by turning down his multi-million-dollar deal. The five-time fired Billy Martin you ain't! Cheers, Joe!

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock (10/8 - 10/14)


I irritate myself this week. I had some friends over to mine and my lady friend's place the other night. I saw my Cousin Jeffrey at the local luncheonette on my work break earlier that day as he was noshing on a couple of Twinkies and drinking a Yoo-hoo by himself, so I invited him over too; however, since you're my lady friend's mortal enemy if you come to our place empty handed, I asked that he bring a 12-pack of light beer. I even gave him some money to buy it. Since his mom passed on a few months ago, money's been tight with him. I said, "It doesn't matter what kind of light beer it is. Just make sure it's light and that there are 12 of them, okay?" He nodded a bunch of times, and I even told him to give me a holler if he forgot what I told him. Needless to say, Jeffrey showed up 45 minutes late that night, interrupting a perfectly good game of cribbage, but I was glad that at least he had the goods when I saw him toting a large plastic bag. He rushed over to my kitchen table, and I patted him on the back. I reached into the bag and pulled out a 12-pack, but it was Guinness, the complete opposite of a light beer. After yelling at Jeffrey, calling him a few choice words, he tearfully replied, "Reid, I picked up a bunch of 12-packs. I did. Honest. That was the lightest one!" God bless Jeffrey and his knack for taking what I say literally. I apologize, cuz. It was I who was at fault. I'll take you to IHOP this weekend. Why I am even writing a message to him. He doesn't use the Internet. Well, I'll give him a call.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

This Week's Separated At Birth (10/15 - 10/21)


* The resemblance between Ron Perlman (star of tv's Beauty and the Beast and the film Hellboy) and comedic actor Will Ferrell is UNCANNY!!! Aside from their blue eyes, which are slightly hidden by a fallen brow, these two men also share similarly long faces and identical hairstyles.

Monday, October 8, 2007

This Week's Separated At Birth (10/8 - 10/14)

* The Yankees' skipper Joe Torre's pugilistic nose and superfluous eye brows can only remind one of Lou Ferrigno as The Incredible Hulk. Sadly, there may be a greater chance that Ferrigno reprises his role as the green giant than Torre is the Yanks' manager in the '08 season.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Pac-Man Game Confiscated Due To Rape Charges

At 12:35 a.m. on Wednesday at O'Boylan's Tap House in Bangor, Maine, two officers responded to a 9-1-1 call that was placed by the bar's manager, Keith Lorstadt. Lorstadt, who started managing the weeknight shift at O'Boylan's two months ago, heard a throng of customers cry out, "Don't rape her!" "Stop it!" and "No!" while others shouted, "Do it! Do it!" "Get her!" and "All the way!" Immediately, the 58-year-old Lorstadt telephoned authorities, who soon arrived at the scene of something bizarre: The Pac-Man character inside the cocktail arcade game at O'Boylan's was raping Pinky, one of the game's ghosts.
* Above, a Pac-Man game similar to the one confiscated by Bangor authorities.

Patrolman Jeff Grueger, upon entering O'Boylan's, saw a circle of bar patrons who were screaming. "I was dumbfounded," said Grueger. "I couldn't believe that someone was being raped right in the bar. Not in Maine. Certainly not in Bangor." When Grueger and his partner, Sandra Caponegro, pushed through the excited throng, all they saw was a Pac-Man arcade game.

Both officers were unsure how to handle the situation. There certainly was no rape occuring in the bar, or at least the rape of a person. However, the sexual assault was happening within O'Boylan's leased video game. Billy Tiegel, a witness to the sexual assault, recalled, "My buddy John was playing Pac-Man for almost 5 hours; whenever his Pac-Man died, it was done by the pink ghost. Anyway, John was about to break the O'Boylan's record of 2 and a half million until he was done in by that pink ghost again." According to Tiegel, at about 12:20 a.m. the game's screen went black, and what appeared was Pinky the ghost tied to a 4-post bed. Seconds later, Pac-Man scrawled slowly into the screen and let out a maniacal laugh. He hopped up and down in front of the bed several times before hopping onto Pinky and grinding his round yellow body on top of her.
* Tiegel (above right) was one of the bar's patrons who witnessed the first-ever documented rape of Pinky by Pac-Man.

Bangor authorities questioned Pac-Man creator Toru Iwatani via telephone, and after several hours of barraging the video game designer with questions, he admitted to inserting a hidden feature within the game. "It's a sadistic feature," stated Bangor Police Chief Edward Stork. "According to Iwatani, it was only meant for him and his close friends to see. It was so secretive that no one at NAMCO (the company that produced Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man) knew about it." Stork explained that the only way the rape will occur, according to what he heard from the game's creator, is if a player scores more than 2 million points and the player's lives are all taken away by Pinky.
* Bangor Police Chief Stork at the press conference last week when he made public his department's findings.

Part of the evidence Stork's department collected with their fine-tooth combs was a Pac-Man sticker that was issued nearly 25 years ago when Pac-Mania was making its way across America and the world. The sticker, which was once sold in wax paper packs with a piece of bubble gum, clearly insinuates that an amorous relationship was in the works between Pac-Man and Pinky. When Iwatani was questioned about this piece of evidence, he admitted that he always wanted Pac-Man to marry Pinky in the final round of the game; however, NAMCO execs felt that a more suitable bride would be the character who later became Ms. Pac-Man. Stork recalled, "Iwatani was getting choked up when he told me about his plans that were halted by NAMCO. In response, he [Iwatani] created the rape in retaliation. I kind of felt bad for the guy. He told me all about his inter-racial marriage to a white woman and how Pac-Man's marriage to Pinky was a way for him to honor his own union with his wife."
* This particular sticker, according to Stork, is "proof positive that Pac-Man and Pinky were on the road to some hanky panky."
* Pac-Man creator Iwatani was infuriated when his plan to have Pac-Man marry Pinky was nixed. The whole Ms. Pac-Man spin-off was NAMCO's idea.

The powers that be at NAMCO have been contacted repeatedly by the Bangor P.D., but all calls have gone unanswered. Instead, they sent the department an e-mail several days ago, informing Stork that "NAMCO is a family-friendly corporation" who holds Pac-Man as one of their "greatest gaming endeavors." Furthermore, they clearly stated that "Pac-Man has always been devoted to his wife, Ms. Pac-Man." In sum, NAMCO was shocked to learn about Iwatani's covert addition to the game.
* Pac-Man barbecuing power pellets alongside his wife and child in a scene from the '80's Pac-Man cartoon.

Though no one, aside from Iwatani, may ever see Pinky raped by Pac-Man again, one of America's and the world's greatest video games of all time has been tainted. We can only hope that a young boy or girl will never stumble upon this frightful image of Pac-Man and Pinky.