A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/30 - 7/6)

Why don't the folks at People do a Sexiest Man Dead issue? Speaking of the dead, this man, who was once very young and hot, was a television star in the 70s and 80s, but well before then, he had brunch--or was it breakfast?--with Audrey Hepburn, who herself was very young and hot. Got rest both of their sexy souls!
By the way, last week's "very young, very hot" clue was none other than Steve Martin.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/23 - 6/29)

* John McCain, the man who changed the Beach Boys' tune "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran," is looking more and more like a Beach Boy himself, especially when he dons a ballcap. Rumor has it that the Republican presidential nominee may rework "Help Me, Rhonda" into "Trounce Obama" for his campaign's battle cry.

Carlin's Death: It Was Written In The Eyes

I've written about Jack Lemmon's eyes before, specifically about how their weak, rheumy appearance foretold his death like Caesar's soothsayer exclaiming, "Beware the Eyes of Mar!" Sadly, another comedian's demise has also come by way of the eyes: George Carlin.

* Carlin's once piercing eyes (bottom pic) became inferior in his old age. At a recent event in Beverly Hills, CA last month, the iconic comedian and father of the "7 Dirty Words" routine was sporting frail peepers (top pic) to the photogs.

I provided you, my faithful readers, ocular evidence when Jack Lemmon passed away; I can only hope that you all will make a concerted effort to look into the eyes of your fellow men and women, urging them to seek immediate medical attention should they exhibit those ominous cloud-filled eyes.

* Ahhh, if only Jack Lemmon had someone to look into his eyes! Who wouldn't want to have seen Grumpiest Old Men?

My observations about the eyes are made more explicit by the people at soilandhealth.org, an organization whose advice should be heeded:

"Normal, healthy eyes should be strong, clear, alert and full of expression. When they are dull, weak or lacking in expression, we may be sure there is something physically or mentally wrong with their possessor Everyone has noted the meaningless expression in the eyes of the drunkard—how they roll about in a heavy, lustreless way in their sockets. This sufficiently demonstrates the intimate relationship between the eyes and the general nervous system. Indeed, it may be said that the eyes are a fair indication of the condition of the stomach and of the whole system. Excessive eating, drinking, smoking, worrying or other debilitating practices are sure to be recorded sooner or later in these delicate and sensitive structures."

Be well,

Reid

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/16 - 6/22)

For those of you who didn't figure out last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" celeb, it was famed actor Jason Robards. This week's clue is a wild and crazy comic actor, not to mention a pretty damn good author and playwright. But years before this movie icon made his mark in Hollywood (with gray hair and all), he was a very young, very hot clerk at California's Disneyland and Knotsberry Farm.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (6/9 - 6/15)

The McDonald's Corporation, purveyors of fine food since 1940, are no longer putting sliced tomatoes on their sandwiches for fear of Salmonella poisoning. What about geting rid of the 42 grams of fat and 740 calories that are all tolled with the consumption of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese? Then again, you probably have no problem creating lil' Michelin Men.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/16 - 6/22)

* Controversial comedienne Rosie O'Donnell and her sneer take on a Predatorlike appearance. All Ms. O'Donnell needs to do is roll her Moe Howard mop into some bad ass dreads. Maybe then she'll have a career as Predator's stunt double.

Spa Owner's Sperm Sparks Outrage

Shortly after the news last week that N.YC.'s SHIZUKA new york Spa was offering its clients the "Geisha Facial" (aka the "Bird Poop Facial") for $216 a poop . . . I mean pop, Jerry Haverty, the owner of the Atlanta-based Tranquility Day Spa, had an idea of his own.


* The Shizuka new york Spa, owned by Skizuka Bernstein, where Nightingale droppings are flown in from Japan and are used in a facial concoction that supposedly rids the skin of pollutants, clears pores, and evens out skin tone.

Haverty, a 64-year-old recently-accredited aesthetistician and proprietor of an establishment that opened in October of last year, has found himself in jail for the "Mommy Facial" he added to his spa's list of skin care offerings. This treatment, like the one offered by Shizuka Bernstein's Midtown Manhattan spa, is far from the everyday rejuvenator; however, according to some irate Atlanta residents and former Tranquility clients, Haverty's facial is nothing but a "pervert's potpourri." Oddly enough, the main ingredient of the "Mommy Facial" is semen; moreover, it is Haverty's own semen.

* Jerry Haverty (pictured left) with two Tranquility employees at the Atlanta-based day spa.

Jesse, a thirtysomething housewife and mother of three, who prefers her name be withheld from this article, was the customer who blew the whistle on the spa's owner and his cocktail. "I saw 'Mommy Facial' and thought nothing of it. It sounded different," recalled the Atlanta resident. "It was described by him [Haverty] as a new product that used a natural, milky extract. The smell was pungent and familiar, but, again, I thought nothing of it."

Later in the day, hours after the woman's spa appointment, her husband did think something of it when he went in for an end-of-the-workday kiss and was greeted by a personal odor. He suspected his wife of a possible affair, but a cooler head prevailed after his wife explained that she had had a "legitimate" facial.

Jesse's husband felt awkward contacting the local authorities due to the ridiculousness of the couple's claim and the embarrassment brought on by the offense, but he stated, "I know that smell. If I went to see that pervert myself, I'd be in prison on murder charges!"

Mr. Haverty was questioned at his home on Friday evening and immediately admitted to the charge, but he claimed that the customer knew about the contents of the "Mommy Facial" treatment. Whether Haverty's claim is true or not, he is currently being held on prostitution charges for applying his semen to another person's face even though the act was sex-free.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/9 - 6/15)

This week's "Very Young, Very Hot" features a well-known stage and screen actor. This Chicago native and World War II veteran of the Navy starred in many Eugene O'Neill plays; on the screen, some of his memorable performances include Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970), and Parenthood (1989). But back in the day, this thespian was very young and very hot! Who is he?

This Week's Separated at Birth (6/9 - 6/15)

* Is that a Kennedy on top? Perhaps it's Bobby Kennedy's love child? All kidding aside, that toothy has-been is none other than Jerry Mathers, television's Beaver Cleaver from the classic Leave it to Beaver series. But doesn't he look like Uncle Teddy (below)?