Katie Ledecky's Hairline Costs Her

Having just won a gold medal in the 800-meter freestyle, 15-year-old Katie Ledecky should soon be seeing a Brinks truck backing up to her family's Maryland home, but . . . "No, wait!"
Ledecky will shout.  "Where are you going?  Where's it going?" she will ask her mother, Mary Gen Ledecky.  But not even Mother Mary herself will come to Katie.  Yes, you know the rest.

So where is that Brinks truck going?  To Gabby Douglas's, that's where.  You see, Ledecky has age on her side--or a lack thereof--but what she has in age, she lacks (surprisingly) in a hairline.  And ain't no one wanna see a girl on no Wheaties box or in no Subway commercial with hair like dat! 

 

Above: Ledecky and her endorsement-costing hairline.

Meanwhile, Olympic gymnastics gold medalist Douglas, who is one year Ledecky's senior, already has racked up a deal with Kellogg's, gracing a box of Corn Flakes and getting ready to take part in "Kellogg's Tour of Gymnastics Champions," a 40-city tour. YAWWWWWWN.  Yeah, that last part sounds pretty lame, but Douglas is expected to net around $10 million between now and Rio's 2016 Games due to her million-dollar smile and normal hairline.

 

Above: All that glitters is not gold, it's Gabby.

True, you will see Ledecky again after these London Games, but it probably won't be for another four years, for there will be no endorsements, no talk show appearances, not even a guest role on a Nick Jr. or Disney Channel show.  "What about a movie of the week?" you ask.  To that I reply, "Who'll play her, former SNL comedienne Kristen Wiig as she looked in those Lawrence Welk sketches?"

 

Above: Wiig in an SNL skit looking much like Ledecky, not including the doll hands. 

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (2/1/10 - 2/7/10)

For whatever reason, Gary Coleman has a penchant for cowboy hats, as the many pics on the internet suggest. Whatever the cause, we here at All the News . . . find this look downright adorable! And look at him playing with his phone, pretending there's an agent on the line, waiting to give the black buckaroo a role.

Maybe it's just me, but something tells me Mr. Coleman is playing cowboy 'cause he longs for the jump-the-shark Diff'rent Strokes days with his southern-soundin' stepbrother Danny Cooksey.

Man Frustrated After Halloween Costume Backfires; Vows to be Vindicated

Last Halloween when Keith Landers attended a co-worker's rooftop party on the outskirts of Seattle, his costume didn't go as planned. This year, however, this determined Starbucks shift manager plans on making his younger co-workers eat crow.

"I couldn't believe they didn't know who I was," recalled Landers. "It was sad. Only one person knew who Richard Simmons even is!"

* Landers (pictured above), hours before a 2009 Halloween party where he was confused for everything from Ronald McDonald to "that woman on Three's Company" (both pictured below).

The 31-year-old Landers, who went so far as to jog around the party for minutes on end, yelling lines like "Ohhhhhkay ladies, time to Sweat into the Oldies!" and "Stay away from those nachos. They're not on your Deal-A-Meal!" couldn't drop enough hints to the crowd, a collection of teenagers and early twentysomethingers who remained clueless.

"We just thought like he had too many macchiatos," said Becky Jorgensen, one of Landers' baristas. "He kept poking me. It was really annoying."

After numerous sets of jumping jacks and squat thrusts around the partygoers were met to no avail, the failed Richard Simmons exited the party dejected, not even waiting to see the party's winning costume worn by Ben Meyers, an employee recently-hired by Landers.

* Meyers, whose Price-Is-Right costume took the party's 20-dollar prize.

Having put last year's events behind him, Landers promises to wow everyone at his co-worker's annual Halloween party in 2010: "I figure I'll make it a little more current, so I chose Tony Little."

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

Sure, they ain't the world's best looking gals--especially the one on Gary's left with the prominent pelvic bones--but Gary Coleman seems to be in "booby heaven" with those signature cheeks flanked by traffic on Mammary Lane. It's a good thing Gary grew a little! A little shorter and he'd be sandwiched by STDs.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

For those of you who remember well the '80s, Libyan leader Col. Muammar el-Qadaffi, better know by just his surname, made it into American headlines as President Reagan's "mad dog of the Middle East." But since then what the hell has happened to this once-hot leader?

In keeping with the '80s (and you devotees of this decade), Mr. Libya now looks like Sam Crenshaw of t.v.'s Today's Special (1982-1987). And if you don't remember T.S., a Canadian children's show that aired on Nickelodeon, shame on you!
Can it be that Qadaffi looks like the security guard puppet on a kids' show? Yes! Look at their eyes, their testicle sac noses, and their complexions. Ahhhh, if only puppet Sam had black wiry hair.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/21/09 - 9/27/09)

This just in: When the t.v. movie of Dr. Oz's downward spiral into hell is made, complete with cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos, DON SWAYZE will play the DOC! Yes, Patrick's recently bereft bro has the same chinny chin chin, nose and eyes as "The Great Oz." Sure, he's a little craggier and haggard than Oprah's guru, but it ain't nothing a little putty can't fix.

One Hollywood insider reports that the project hasn't been greenlighted yet, for Don Swayze is still in the process of sabotaging Oz's life so that he will eventually be led down a road of cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz who met her three friends on the yellow brick road, Swayze's plan for the project will have Dr. Oz travel (on foot) from point A to point B, meeting a teenage cocaine dealer, a middle-aged tranny prostitute, and a WWII veteran casino bus driver along the way.

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

This week's picture of an adorable Gary Coleman wasn't easy to select, but after much debate, the winner is . . .

GIL AND GARY (1979)

* In 1979, Coleman appeared in two episodes of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century as Hieronymous Fox, a boy genius.

It looks as if one-time heartthrob Gil Gerard and Gary Coleman are having a bundle of laughs in this pic from 20 years ago, so why is it adorable?

1.) Gary Coleman's outfit makes him look like a little winged monkey. ADORABLE!

2.) He even has little black boots. REALLY ADORABLE!

3.) Sitting on the table with his arm around Gil Gerard makes him look like a ventriliquist's dummy. EMBARRASSINGLY ADORABLE!

4.) Chubby cheeks, a perfectly groomed afro, and a button nose. OVERWHELMINGLY ADORABLE!

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

Did Tony Randall's itty bitty brother play mushroom-headed robot Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century? Based on appearances, you'd think that was the case; in reality the pint-sized actor is Italian native Felix Silla, who is still alive at the age of 73, making a living with his signature at Sci-Fi conventions like Buck Rogers himself, Gil Gerard.

While Tony Randall's claim to fame came with t.v.'s The Odd Couple as Felix Unger, Silla is credited with two classiv t.v. roles: Twiki and Couisin Itt from The Addams Family. You go Felix!!!

A Very Young, Very Hot Gary Burghoff: Vice, Vexation and Vindication

by Contributing Correspondent

Zip Rand-Masterclean

When the Rand-Mastercleans first stepped off of the Mayflower some 900 or so years ago, we had no idea what a savage impact a very young, very, VERY hot Gary Burghoff would have on our family history. Well, here’s the dirt if you must have it:
VICE: The year was 1976. America was celebrating its 200th birhtday, and I was a boyish teenager helping Grandma Rand-Mastercleam finish up her bicentennial quilt. M*A*S*H was aplaying on the boob tube, and we were having a few chuckles when Grandma got racy and said, and I quote, “That Wayne Rogers gets my blood flowing, I’ll tell you that.” Well, I suppose I was caught up in all the craziness, because I blurted out “Well, my little penis would have a field day with that darling little Gary Burghoff!”
Vexation: Needless to say, the knitting needling halted to the sound of a record needle dragging across grooved vinyl, and while I was not cast out completely, I was certainly blackballed from any of the Rand-Masterclean’s reindeer games. I was teased, scoffed at, jostled, mimicked—even forced to sit alone at a table for twelve at the annual family reunion in Port Chester. I existed in a living hell for nearly one calendar year, until…
Vindication! Grandpa Rand-Masterclean let out his last wheezing gasp in March of ’77, and though I was cut out of his billions, I was allowed to scrape around in his study for whatever trinkets I wanted to keep as my own. Well, get this: in a check for petty cash under the pee-stained daybed mattress, what did I find? A curious little novelette entitled Dormitory Boy. Yes, a dirty little saga of boy meeting boy in the most intimate manner. And what did I find tucked inside? None other than three photos: one, a bare and hairy-chested Lyle Wagoner; a bathing-suited wet-as-a-washcloth Karl Malden; and, tucked neatly between page 86 and 87, this very photo of a very young, very hot Gary Burghoff!

God bless you Walter "Radar" O’Reilly! And for the rest of you Rand-Mastercleans out there who are jealous of the continued fame I have found on this blog: once and for all, in the name of justice, I did not plant those photos and pictures!

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze (August 18, 1952 - September 14, 2009)

Who can forget Patrick Swayze's famous declaration as Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing: "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" While it may be true that NO ONE put Baby in the corner in that 1987 film, when the world bellowed, "Nobody puts Swayze in the coffin!" it fell on God's deaf ears.

People magazine's SEXIEST MAN ALIVE from 18 years ago (Has it been that long?) has passed away after a lengthy bout with pancreatic cancer. Loved by the ladies for his roles in Dirty Dancing and Ghost and by the guys for Red Dawn, Road House and Point Break, Patrick Wayne Swayze even made his mark as an icon in niche markets: the gays gobbled him up as the indelible drag queen Vida Boheme in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar while the Emo youth were introduced to him in the cult classic Donnie Darko as Jim Cunningham.

Swayze leaves behind his wife of 24 years, Lisa Niemi, two sisters, and two brothers, one of whom is actor Don Swayze. For all things Don Swayze, check out http://www.donswayze.com/.

* Don Swayze with older brother Patrick

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

For this week's "Very Young, Very Hot" I've selected a man in uniform. After all, the ladies tend to be a sucker for . . . Well, you know the rest.

Baring a striking resemblance to a Top Gun Tom Cruise, this military man once sported a sexy overbite and a boyish come-hither stare. Unlike Cruise, this week's pick is no star of the screen, but he had been in the newspapers and on the television A LOT in 2008.
True, he's old now, but back in the day he was VERY YOUNG and VERY HOT.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

Former NFL player and ex-coach of Da Bears, Mike Ditka, obviously has NO RIGHT showing his skin to the sun (as evidenced by the picture above). But his lobster coloring, complete with sunglass marks, does make him look a helluva lot like Ron Pearlman's Hellboy character.

R.I.P. John Quade (April 1, 1938 – August 9, 2009)

Born John William Saunders in Kansas City, Kansas, young Saunders went on to be dubbed John Quade, a silver screen heavy who appeared in indelible films with Clint Eastwood: High Plains Drifter and The Outlaw Josey Wales. But who could forget his role as Cholla the Black Widow Biker in both of Clint's orangutan flicks (Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can)?

Oddly enough, one of Quade's most memorable lines wasn't in an Eastwood film! In the 1987 biopic La Bamba, which chronicled the life and death of Richie Valens, Quade played a bartender. In his one and only scene, which came opposite actor Esai Morales who plays Valens' stepbrother Bob, Quade shuts off the tv behind the bar, prompting Morales to tell him to put it back on, adding, "That dude's my brother!" In reply Quade quips, "Yeah and I'm your Irish uncle."

Mr. Quade, who passed away at his home in Rosamond, California, is survived by his wife, 6 children and 10 grandchildren, not to mention his mother, 2 brothers and 2 sisters.

To our Irish Uncle John, a fine Irish proverb:

Dá mbeifeá chomh láidir le crann darach, gheobhaidh an bás an ceann is fearr ort.

If you are as strong as an oak tree, death will still vanquish you.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/26- 2/1)

I FINALLY caved in and bought a Wii this past weekend as my ladyfriend and I were shopping. So what am I irritated about do you ask? With that purchase yesterday, I've embarked on a future that is more sedentary than it used to be as I sit my gamer ass on mine and my ladyfriend's couch, pretending to be on a tennis court or on a baseball field as I munch on Doritos and throw back a 2 liter Dr. Pepper. Oh, I'm embarking on the path toward obesity, and I'm scared. Someone help me!

This Week's Seaparated At Birth (2/9 - 2/15)

Greg "Shock G" Jacobs (aka "Humpty Hump"), the Groucho Marx of rap music, looks a helluva lot like new Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. "Okay, Dems!" said the Republicans. "You wanna showcase a black for the presidency, we'll give you one too." A black man holding a prominent position for the GOP? I'm sure some of the party members are looking at Mr. Steele and picturing him sing, "Stop what you're doin' 'cause I'm about to ruin the party and the color that you're used to."

Adrienne Barbeau: Praise for the Days Before Silcone

by Seamus O'Goolihy (guest blogger)

As a young lad in Ireland, I was confronted with two problems: one, there wasn't much television--as a child, the shows were mostly just still pictures of the saints, with a narration from the local priest--added to that, what with my eighteen brothers and sisters and both sets of grandparents packed into our small Dublin house, I had almost no refuge, no haven where I could release my sexual desires. Thus, I was missing two crucial elements any teenage boy would need in such a pubescent endeavor: space and inspiration.

Then one evening, as the church bells called all of us children in from play, I heard a strange sound coming from the telly. It was a song. A show from America! Maude was its name, complete with real-life actors and color as well. Then, as I sat on the sofa to have a look, she appeared: a dark-haired woman with swinging breasts the size of which I had never seen. Within half a second, I imagined myself an ancient Roman coming home from battle, and she, my wife, my lovetoy, with whom I could release any and all of my desires. As I imagined myself tearing off her robe and and exposing her milky-white mammoths, I exploded with such force, the jism tearing through my trousers and onto the floor near Grandpa Murtaugh's clubfoot. Lucky was I that young Connor was eating a bowl of porridge on the floor, and I could blame my predicament on him before searching for some privacy, for the woman who excited my loins was still on the screen, and I was ready for the second salvo. Indeed, while I was more devoted than any other man to Maude and the actress I grew to know as Adrienne Barbeau, I couldn't so much as hear the words "and then there's Maude" without running to the bathroom with my hands across my groin.

So I'll end my story with this: the years since Maude have given television audiences many other well endowed ladies, but with the advent of silicone implants and women like that pathetic cougar Demi Moore, I doubt the honesty of any modern girl, which is why, when 'tis time to release my milky manhood, I hearken back to an era of truth and beauty, and the queen of the age, Adrienne Barbeau. John Carpenter, may you rot in hell, you lucky bastard!

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/26 - 2/1)

Holy Sweet Jesus, let's put The Wizard of Oz on Broadway so that Jerry Stiller can play the Mayor of Munchkinland! I can hear Jerry's gruff voice singing the words first sung by Charlie Becker, the original mini mayor: "As mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the land of Oz, I welcome you most regally."

And if Mr. Stiller refuses our casting call, deciding that he'd like to play Oz himself, we'll say, "No, Jerry! Damn it, no! A thousand times, no! You were born to play the MAYOR, Jerry. The role of Oz . . . we're giving it to your son."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/26 - 2/1)

Why on Earth did I stay to watch the lackluster ending dance number in Slumdog Millionaire?All I've been hearing about this movie is "You gotta see the ending!" Well, you know what: Bollywood, Schmollywood, it was crap! All I learned is that two of the film's actors, Dev Patel (Jamal) and Freida Pinto (Latika), couldn't dance their way out of a basket even if a snake charmer beckoned them with his flute. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but the dance featured piss-poor choreography in addition to taking me out of the contemplative, somber mood I had been brought into.

Verbal Misunderstanding, Man's Reason To Live

This past Saturday morning Jerry Amerstam went to his Brooklyn corner deli as always for a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich (on a Kaiser roll), light on the salt, heavy on the pepper, heavy on the ketchup. But a little after 9 a.m. he heard something which, according to the 56-year-old bus dispatcher, gave him "a reason to live."

Mr. Amerstam recalled, "I was just standing there, waiting for my sandwich, when a guy in a chef's outfit comes in, and I hear him ask Billy [William Santoro, the deli's owner], 'You got any meunster cheese, chief ?'"

What caused the recently divorced man to break into riotous laughter, however, wasn't the chef's question; it was what both he and Santoro thought they had heard from the anxious chef. "I give Jerry his sandwich," stated Santoro, "then I ask this chef guy how much meunster cheese he needs. Well, he says, 'No, I need mustard seeds!' At this point, Jerry breaks out into the loudest laugh I've ever heard, slapping his knee and all."

* Jerry Amerstam (center) no longer plans on checking out of this world anytime soon thanks to what he thought heard at his local deli.

Amerstam, whose wife filed for divorce this past September, has felt depressed about his marriage's demise. The Williamsburg resident even admitted to thinking about jumping onto the Broooklyn Queens Expressway this past Christmas Eve. All of that, though, seems to have changed ever since the incident between the chef and the deli owner. "I'm telling ya, somebody's gotta make this into a movie, or at least a book," suggested Amerstam. "Stuff like this doesn't happen everyday."

* William "Billy" Santoro, owner of "The Corner Place," is confident that Amerstam, a devoted cutomer, will be back for his breakfast sandwich for years to come.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/12 - 1/19)

I am IRATE that actor Adrian Zmed is on VH1's Confessions of a Teen Idol mostly because of some of the other actors on the show who DO NOT DESERVE to flush the toilet that Mr. Zmed defecates into. Actors like David Chokachi (Who?) of Baywatch are so bush league in comparison to the star of T.J. Hooker and Grease 2!