BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (6/9 - 6/15)

The McDonald's Corporation, purveyors of fine food since 1940, are no longer putting sliced tomatoes on their sandwiches for fear of Salmonella poisoning. What about geting rid of the 42 grams of fat and 740 calories that are all tolled with the consumption of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese? Then again, you probably have no problem creating lil' Michelin Men.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/16 - 6/22)

* Controversial comedienne Rosie O'Donnell and her sneer take on a Predatorlike appearance. All Ms. O'Donnell needs to do is roll her Moe Howard mop into some bad ass dreads. Maybe then she'll have a career as Predator's stunt double.

Spa Owner's Sperm Sparks Outrage

Shortly after the news last week that N.YC.'s SHIZUKA new york Spa was offering its clients the "Geisha Facial" (aka the "Bird Poop Facial") for $216 a poop . . . I mean pop, Jerry Haverty, the owner of the Atlanta-based Tranquility Day Spa, had an idea of his own.


* The Shizuka new york Spa, owned by Skizuka Bernstein, where Nightingale droppings are flown in from Japan and are used in a facial concoction that supposedly rids the skin of pollutants, clears pores, and evens out skin tone.

Haverty, a 64-year-old recently-accredited aesthetistician and proprietor of an establishment that opened in October of last year, has found himself in jail for the "Mommy Facial" he added to his spa's list of skin care offerings. This treatment, like the one offered by Shizuka Bernstein's Midtown Manhattan spa, is far from the everyday rejuvenator; however, according to some irate Atlanta residents and former Tranquility clients, Haverty's facial is nothing but a "pervert's potpourri." Oddly enough, the main ingredient of the "Mommy Facial" is semen; moreover, it is Haverty's own semen.

* Jerry Haverty (pictured left) with two Tranquility employees at the Atlanta-based day spa.

Jesse, a thirtysomething housewife and mother of three, who prefers her name be withheld from this article, was the customer who blew the whistle on the spa's owner and his cocktail. "I saw 'Mommy Facial' and thought nothing of it. It sounded different," recalled the Atlanta resident. "It was described by him [Haverty] as a new product that used a natural, milky extract. The smell was pungent and familiar, but, again, I thought nothing of it."

Later in the day, hours after the woman's spa appointment, her husband did think something of it when he went in for an end-of-the-workday kiss and was greeted by a personal odor. He suspected his wife of a possible affair, but a cooler head prevailed after his wife explained that she had had a "legitimate" facial.

Jesse's husband felt awkward contacting the local authorities due to the ridiculousness of the couple's claim and the embarrassment brought on by the offense, but he stated, "I know that smell. If I went to see that pervert myself, I'd be in prison on murder charges!"

Mr. Haverty was questioned at his home on Friday evening and immediately admitted to the charge, but he claimed that the customer knew about the contents of the "Mommy Facial" treatment. Whether Haverty's claim is true or not, he is currently being held on prostitution charges for applying his semen to another person's face even though the act was sex-free.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/9 - 6/15)

This week's "Very Young, Very Hot" features a well-known stage and screen actor. This Chicago native and World War II veteran of the Navy starred in many Eugene O'Neill plays; on the screen, some of his memorable performances include Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970), and Parenthood (1989). But back in the day, this thespian was very young and very hot! Who is he?

This Week's Separated at Birth (6/9 - 6/15)

* Is that a Kennedy on top? Perhaps it's Bobby Kennedy's love child? All kidding aside, that toothy has-been is none other than Jerry Mathers, television's Beaver Cleaver from the classic Leave it to Beaver series. But doesn't he look like Uncle Teddy (below)?

George Lucas's Jabba Jowles

George Lucas, the 64-year-old, multi-billion dollar movie mogul, whose latest Indiana Jones film is debuting this weekend, is a fat cat without question. Though the owner of Lucasfilm Limited--and former owner of American Zoetrope (with Fraqncis Ford Copolla)--is sitting on a nest egg of approximately 3.6 billion dollars, the money he has amassed has not gone to his head . . . it's gone to his jowles.
* George Lucas's bulbous neck gives off the appearance that a goiter is nesting somewhere beneath his flesh, but it's probably a result of an extremely comfortable lifestyle.

According to WebMD, "goiters can occur when the thyroid gland produces either too much thyroid hormone (hyperthyroidism) or not enough (hypothyroidism). Much more rarely, the problem may arise when the pituitary gland stimulates thyroid growth to boost production of the hormone."

* An unfortunate human being with an enormously large goiter.

In the case of Lucas, however, his growth comes and goes.
* "Senor Star Wars," sans turkey neck, looks like a well-coiffed Hollywood matinee idol.

* But just when you think it's on full retreat, back comes Lucas's Jabba Jowles. Gobble! Gobble!

Although some top physicians have dismissed the writer/director/producer's affliction as non-goiter, I, a lowly blogger, discovered a type of goiter known as "sporadic" goiter that may be plaguing ol' G.L. According to an old encyclopedia that once belonged to my maternal gread grandfather, this variety of goiter "can form if your diet includes too many goiter-promoting foods, such as soybeans, rutabagas, cabbage, peaches, peanuts and spinach. These foods can suppress the manufacture of thyroid hormone by interfering with your thyroid's ability to process iodide."

So Mr. Lucas, wherever you may be, cut out the aforementioned foods and you should be fine. That's advice from an admirer of yours, free of charge.

Ths Week's Separated At Birth (5/19 - 5/25)

* Wayne Newton, what the HELL has happened to your right eye??? In fact, both of your peepers are looking WAY TOO pulled back. You're starting to look like Hoyt Pollard, the imbred, banjo-playing youth who starred as "Boy at Gas Station" in Deliverance. Wayne, forget about "Dueling Banjos." In this pic you're sporting some "Dueling Eyes."

RETRACTION: I am poking fun at Wayne Newton with the porch boy reference; in all seriousness, porch boy's twin is none other than supercyclist Lance Armstrong.