BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Wek (1/21 - 1/27)

I have a bone to pick with "NFL on FOX" broadcaster Curt Menefee. The only thing this schlub has in common with his predecessor James Brown, who is now on CBS, is the color of his skin. As my lady friend and I were watching the Giants/Packers game on Sunday, I said, "Honey, if he makes this field goal, the headlines should read, 'Third TYNES a Charm'!" (For those of you who didn't watch this game, Giants field goal kicker Lawrence Tynes missed the two previous FGs.) Anyway, minutes after the new LT nailed the field goal, Curt Menefee exclaimed MY HEADLINE. Hey Menefee, if you had to write that headline, you'd probably misspell Tynes' last name with an "i" instead of a "y." On top of that, you probably had one of your producers whisper that line to you; I came up with it all on my own (before the three points were scored).

People in Glass Houses: Norris's Verbal Kung-Fu on McCain

Mr. Bruce Lee Light, Chuck Norris, a staunch supporter of Republican presidential nominee and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, recently blasted Sen. John McCain because of the 71-year-old's age, saying, "I didn't pick John [McCain] to support because I'm just afraid that the vice president would wind up taking over his job in that four-year presidency," at a recent Huckabee fundraiser.

Mr. Norris, that comment is COLD and unwarranted.

Has Mr. Norris, who is only 4 years McCain's junior, forgotten that he too is a senior citizen, benefitting from discounts at the local Winn-Dixie, IHOP, and other establishments that offer elderly folks a price break? While Chuck masks his age with a reddish brown Daniel Boone coonskin cap wig and some mediocre plastic surgery, John McCain is au naturale, aging like a man, a war veteran, a war hero.

A man who is no longer marketable in the film and television industry, resorting to infomercials with Christie Brinkley as a means to be in the public eye, is in no position to pass judgment on a man who continues to work tirelessly for the U.S. of A.

* Norris with Brinkley, shamelessly hocking exercise equipment in an infomercial.

A REID ERZBLOCK GAME: If You Just Arrived on Earth . . .

. . . what would you make of the picture below?

A.) The men are partners at a law firm and are attending a random charity event. The older man, who is a senior partner at the firm, is holding his junior partner's daughter.

B.) The men are a married gay couple who adopted a girl; they are attending their daughter's pre-school on "Parents Welcome Night."

C.) The man on the right manages a clothing store at a mall, and the little girl he's holding wandered into his store alone. Seconds later, an African-American man entered the store, so the store's manager naturally assumed he was the girl's father. Concerned about the child's absence of a parent or guardian, both men quickly walked through the mall with the girl in tow, hoping someone would spot the child. Eventually, both men reunited the child with her lawful guardian, or did they?

D. The men are posing for a photo-op at a public event a few years before a major election that will pit the man on the left against the other man's wife; however, both men are cordial to one another because at that time it was the thing to do.

This Week's Separated at Birth (1/21 - 1/27)

* No, James Early Jones did not play Darth Vader; he merely lent his voice. The Vader garb was donned by the 6' 5" British bodybuilder, weightlifter, and actor David Prowse. Doesn't he resemble Hollywood icon Dick VanDyke, star of television's The Dick VanDyke Show and Diagnosis Murder? Best known for his role in the Disney classic Mary Poppins, VanDyke's pugilistic nose, thin-lipped mouth, and blue eyes are nearly identical to Prowse's. Sure, VanDyke is more "Hollywood" looking, but Prowse at least looks more like Dick than Dick's younger brother Jerry.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/14 - 1/20)

I listen to conservative talk radio every now and then, but today I am furious with Sean Hannity, host of radio's THE SEAN HANNITY SHOW and television's HANNITY AND COLMES. Driving home from work in my car on New Jersey's Route 46, I heard Hannity break from his tirade about Hillary Clinton to chat with a caller about how he was upset about the loss "Indiana" suffered over the weekend because he's a huge Peyton Manning fan. Hey Hannity, you don't call the Indianapolis Colts "Indiana," the state in which the team resides. That's like referring to the Bears as "Illinois" or the Patriots as "Massachusetts." Furthermore, Mr. Hannity, went on to talk about how fervent a fan he is of the Colts head coach and how much he loved his autobiography, but all he could utter was "Tony." It was the caller on the other end who had to fill in the "Dungy" after the host stammered for what seemed like an eternity. Last but not least, Hannity engaged in something that I detest: He uttered a malapropism. Instead of saying "Cool, calm and collected" he said, "Cool, calm and COLLECTIVE." Hannity, what the hell's wrong with you? Don't you know that a "collective" is a group?

To Comb Over or Not to Comb Over?

There are several methods men use to hide their baldness: some wear ballcaps (director Ron Howard did it for many years); others don toupees (Tony Curtis, Burt Reynolds, William Shatner, etc.); and some even shave their skulls to look intimidatingly masculine (Bruce Willis).

But there are a few men who think a cap too juvenile, a toupee too artificial, and a hairless dome too much like an exposed baby's bottom. It is this minority who resorts to the COMBOVER, a hairstyle that 9 times out of 10 finds a man parting his hair east to west or west to east. A few men, however, create variations on this style.

1.) The Combforth (a.k.a. the Back to Front)
This hairstyle is a rarity; when spotted, you better have a camera handy to capture this once-in-a-lifetime event. Like Haley's Comet, you'll most likely see one during your time on this planet.
* This man seems to be getting good coverage, but he can't hide the unnatural hairline from which the follicles have been parted forth.
* This hair, like the famous Clint Eastwood orangutan movie, is Every Which Way But Loose! If Jackson Pollack used hair to decorate a canvas, this would be the result.

2.) The Combback (a.k.a. the Front to Back)
Like its name, this variation on the combbover is not laughable. The man, when combing his hair to the back, is merely tidying up the follicular folly that he has been dealt.

* James Lipton, host of Bravo's Inside the Actors Studio, sports the combback.
* Here's Jack with the combback. Some have suggested that he is responsible for popularizing this hairstyle.

For those of you who are thirsting for the "real deal" combover, watch the documentary Combover: The Movie (2004). This film, which runs slightly less than one hour, is a cross-country search for the best combover. Check out the link (below) for more information.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.sundancechannel.com/UPLOADS/films/320x240/c/combover1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.sundancechannel.com/films/500193666&h=240&w=320&sz=51&hl=en&start=19&tbnid=ug1F8x9GstxTZM:&tbnh=89&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcombover%26gbv%3D2%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG

* One of the subjects who appears in Combover: The Movie.

If you can't get your mitts on this coveted film, feel free to stare at the images below to your heart's content. Happy combing!

* The Donald is thought to have a combover. Something is going on with his cotton candy hair, which looks like it could be whipped up and feasted on at a carnival.

* Sports journalist and broadcaster Tony Kornheiser wears the traditional combover.

* Gene Keady, the former head basketball coach at Purdue and assistant coach of the Toronto Raptors, wore the greasy combover. Rumor has it that Keady was a greaser back in the '50s, but as his hair bid his scalp adieu, he just couldn't quit the grease.

* Rudy "9/11" Giuliani used to part his hair left to right, but he forsook it for boring baldness. This may explain why he is not doing well in the primaries. Don't worry, Rudy. I hear the Floridians are quite partial to bald men.

. . . to That Great Butcher Shop in the Sky

Allan Melvin (1923 - 1908)

Jowly-faced character actor Allan Melvin appeared on The Phil Silvers Show and All in the Family as Archie Bunker's friend Barney, but he is best known for his role on The Brady Bunch as Sam "the butcher" Franklin, Alice the housekeeper's boyfriend.

But don't judge this actor by the blue collar characters he played: Melvin, who was born in Missouri but moved to New York City as a child, attended Columbia University. Sam the butcher was a Columbia graduate? Yes, and he also served in the Navy after graduation before wedding his wife, Amalia, in 1943.

Melvin is survived by his wife of 64 years, a daughter and a grandson, and to pay my respects to him, here's a butcher joke. Something tells me Mr. Melvin may have heard a few butcher jokes in his lifetime.

A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Yes."
The man says, "I bet you fifty dollars that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that."
"But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts.
"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/7 - 1/13)

I am fed up with hearing about Hillary Clinton's cry heard 'round the world in New Hampshire! Can't we ALL see through this charade as nothing but a mere sotto voce, teary-eyed plea to endear voters to Clinton in this latest primary? Quite simply, Hillary's sad attempt at emotion should've ended with the Dem declaring, "You see, I'm human!" before taking a bow and exiting stage left of this New Hampshire coffee house. I am neither an adherent nor a detractor of the Clinton campaign; however, such attempts at emotion--especially when they're obviously spurious--incense me. What's worse is the media's inflated coverage of this minor, unimpressive spectacle. Hey John Edwards, don't you go getting all weepy before this latest primary when you're sipping a hot cup of tea in your Brooks Brothers attire, boring the masses with tales about your father the MILLWORKER. Hard as it may be to efface the scent of your pappy's sweaty, haggard, laboring body from your memory, try and keep a stiff upper lip and wear your perma-smile.

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/14 - 1/20)

* I don't usually use the same people in back-to-back weeks for this portion of my blog, but I saw the press coverage of former MLB pitcher Goose Gossage's nomination into the Hall of Fame moments after last week's "separated" was posted and carved in stone. Therefore, I must admit that this pairing, in my esteem, is greater than the Cowardly Lion's pairing with Mel Brooks. Eureka! Yes, it's true that a goose can in fact look like a lion! The similarity of their eyes is uncanny; surprisingly, the makeup applied to actor Bert Lahr's mouth area that gives him the appearance of a feline, is duplicated with Gossage's handlebar moustache.

Giants Coach Demands Apology From FOX Five

Moments after the New York Giants defeated the rival Dallas Cowboys in a 21-17 nailbiter, coach Tom Coughlin, who rarely wears his heart on his sleeve, became irate before reporters at the postgame press conference, demanding an apology from five FOX broadcasters for counting his team out the past two weeks.

* An angry Coughlin wears a look of disappointment as he lambastes the boys at the NFL on FOX.

Coughlin declared, "You can't count my players out! Yeah, we're a little banged up and Eli's not Peyton, but this team doesn't go down without a fight. Those broadcasting buffoons ought to know better," added Coughlin, referring to NFL on FOX host Curt Menefee, his colleagues Terry Bradshaw, Jimmy Johnson, Howie Long, and the show's comic sketch man, Frank Caliendo. "Opinions like theirs are heartless, and if they're real men, they'd apologize publically."

* FOX's crew (l to r) Menefee, Bradshaw, Long, and Johnson, all of whom have counted the Giants out against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Dallas Cowboys.

Apparently, the brood of broadcasters' words were hard felt by Coughlin and his blue crew. "We pay attention to stuff like that, and it's not right. Making picks like that for all to see plays games with my players. If the NFL could put a stop to uprights being placed on the goal line and the wearing of leather helmets, they can do something about this too!"

The only comment from FOX thus far came from former Cowboy coach Jimmy Johnson, who spoke to reporters as he exited the FOX studios in California. "Picking winners and losers is part of the game. We give our opinions; it's not gospel. When does he want us to make our calls, after the game?" Continuing in his jocular tone, Johnson added, "The guys and I will make it up to Tom [Coughlin] and pick them to lose next weekend. It's worked for them so far."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (12/31 - 1/6)

Even though I own every one of Rod Serling's blessed TWILIGHT ZONE episodes on DVD, I look forward to the Sci Fi channel's annual 48-hour TWILIGHT ZONE MARATHON. Unfortunately, some folks at this channel thought it a good idea to interrupt this event on the first day of the new year by televising wrestling programming for one hour. I just wanted to catch a few more episodes before hitting the hay, but I was asked to endure the squared circle shenanigans of the ECW from 10-11 pm. This program doesn't even fit into Sci Fi's programming. I understand that this variety of wrestling IS fiction, but how does science enter the picture?

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/7 - 1/13)

* There's no denying that Hollywood funnyman Mel Brooks, the brainchild behind such hits as Blazing Saddles, History of the World Part I, The Producers and Young Frankenstein, looks a lot like actor Bert Lahr, a burlesque and vaudeville performer who went on to play the role of the Cowardly Lion in MGM's The Wizard of Oz.

Larry the Comic Friend

Darryl and Darlene Forster felt like they had won the lottery this past summer when they were on vacation in Daytona, Forida. As if scoring two free tickets to a comedy show that featured Blue Collar comic Larry the Cable Guy wasn't enough, the vacationers from Laredo, Texas were awestruck when the comedian himself plopped down a few stools away from them at the bar at Laffy's Laugh Lounge after his set ended.* Daniel Lawrence Whitney (aka Larry the Cable Guy) has made a career out of redneck humor with catchprases like "Git-R-Done" and stories about his obese and elderly (fictional) relatives.

Darlene Forster was sipping her Sex on the Beach when her husband spotted the famous comic, recalled Mrs. Forster. "Darryl almos' knock the drink outta my han' when he seen Larry. He was hoppin' up and down on his stool, makin' like he was a dog he was pantin' so much. He couldn' even get a word out. Just kep' starin' at 'im."

Eventually, Larry the Cable Guy, feasting on an order of delivered eel and tuna rolls accompanied by a glass of chardonnay, got up from his stool and walked over to the starstruck Darryl. "He asked me if I enjoyed the show," said Mr. Forster. "I couldn' believe it. It was awesome. He even shook my han' and gave me a 'Larry in '08' t-shirt. I guess he knew I was a fan. He spoke to me like I was a real person."

The popular comedian only spent a few minutes with the Forsters, but according to Mrs. Forster, he invited them to one of his upcoming shows in Texas. "I was shocked that we even got an invite from 'im. Larry said the tickets would on'y be 25 dollar each and well worth it. He winked at me before he went back to his stool when he said, 'Some other special people will be at the show, but don't tell anyone.'"

* Larry the Cable Guy (left) with the rest of his blue collar brethren, including Jeff Foxworthy, "The King of Redneck Comedy." Larry and Foxwothy entertained the Forsters and others at a December 29th show at the Dallas Theater Center.

Unfortunately, the Forsters were unable to meet up with their celebrity friend in Dallas. "Man, it was crazy!" recalled Mr. Forster. "Darlene and I made a big poster that said, 'Darryl and Darlene = Larry's Friends' but he couldn' see it. There was too many people."

Luckily, however, the couple will be able to communicate with Larry the Cable Guy, their Florida friend, whenever they want thanks to the "PO Box" address he gave to the couple before parting company with them this past summer. * The Forsters with their 5-year-old daughter Janie. The couple sent this picture out to their family and friends this Christmas, a list which included Larry the Cable Guy.

This Week's Separated At Birth (12/31 - 1/6)

* Hollywood legend Burt Reynolds, known to many for his roles in Deliverance and the Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run films, is looking more and more like your run-of-the-mill store bought beef jerky. Sadly, the scores of Reynolds' cosmetic surgeries cannot bring moisture back to this former sex symbol's tawny, rawhide countenance.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (12/10 - 12/16)

Why do I have to be subjected to commercials on my television set of places that I can't even geographcally patronize? I'm particularly referring to fast food establishments that aren't even in my radius. Forget about a stone's throw away! I could barely reach these locales with a nuclear weapon. Chains like Sonic and Jack in the Box aren't even in my home state! Scratch that. There's one Sonic burger joint in the good ol' Garden State, but it's about an hour and a half away in Waretown, N.J. Hey you advertising folks, unless you're willing to deliver to my doorstep, quit tempting me with these chains' menu items.