This Week's Separated At Birth (4/28 - 5/4)

* Eureka! After much time spent pondering the identity of Don "Nappy Headed Ho" Imus's twin, I've finally discovered that the Castor to his Pollux is the fictional Rocky Dennis, a disfigured teenager portrayed sympathetically by Eric Stoltz in the film Mask. Yeah, I know you're gonna say, "Reid, the only thing they have in common is their hair!" and I too felt the same way initially; however, upon looking at more recent pics of the marblemouthed radio personality (?), I noticed how the years have mercilessly ravaged his countenance, giving it a Rockyesque quality. Look below; you be the judge.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (4/14 - 4/20)

A co-worker of mine, after hearing another co-worker's dissatisfaction with her new condominium's front and back door locks, suggested her locksmith father to her co-worker . In turn, the damzel in distress offered to pass out business cards to her fellow disgruntled neighbors, which was indeed a kind act on her part; however, upon returning to work this Monday, when the locksmith's daughter inquired as to our mutual co-worker's degree of satisfaction with the job that her father did this past Saturday, she heard, "Your father's a really nice guy; he did a great job." Then came a pause . . . , which was followed by "I just don't know why I paid as much as the other five people in my building. I did get him five other jobs." As a witness to the aforementioned dialogue, I attest that the latter comment was offfered with the deepest of sincerity. In defense of the locksmith's daughter, she was as cool as a cucumber, not knowing how to reply to such a preposterous gripe. Now I've never struck a lady, but this woman, who possesses the social graces of a gnat, was begging to be decked, sent stumbling back into the copy machine. Furthermore, upon analyzing the inappropriateness of this woman's gall, I was most appalled by the time that she undoubtedly took to figure out how much the five other tenants had paid the locksmith. I can picture her now, roaming the halls and knocking door to door with the bill in her hand. In her defense, she is a librarian --I means a MEDIA SPECIALIST--whose interactions primarily center around shelves of dusty books and scores of domesticated felines.

One of my long-held theories (if one can call it such) seems to be turning into a law with the recent interview of two women from that notorious YFZ ranch in Texas. As these two plain Janes staunchly reported that their sect's lifestyle does not involve the abuse of and sex with minors, one can only wonder with whom are the men of this Fundamentalist Latter Day Saint compound having sex? * Female members at YFZ certainly have a knack for smoothing out and starching their blouses and hair, but what about their faces? This pic reminds me of that Eagles' tune, except I'd change the lyrics to "You can't hide . . . those TIRED eyes."

One would think that a life of polygamy would be sensuous and sinful, complete with oiled-up hourglass figures writhing on satin sheets and moaning to be taken and ravaged, or maybe that's just me. All kidding aside, most polygamists (both men and women) tend to be the variety of human being known as "carnie" or "backwoods" folk, far from any harem I'd want to be part of; far from the foursome on HBO's Big Love. * Bill Paxton (center) is flanked by the babes of Big Love, save for Chloe Sevigny (right); although, even she's a babe in comparison to real-life polygammists.

Those of you who are entertaining a life with multiple partners, just think of poor ol' Tom Green, a native of Utah who served six years in the can. Green, who was convicted of child rape in 2001 for having sex with a 13-year-old (She went on to become his first of five wives), was punished for simply trying to live his life! After all, if you were a teenage gal, would you be able to deny Green's burly physique, receding hairline, and well-groomed salt and pepper beard?

* Tom Green is vowing to never bed another teenage girl, but are the fingers of his left hand crossed?

So until I start seeing some more attractive people make their way onto the polygamy scene via the media, I'll content myself with monogamy and a purer pleasure that the mainstream Latter Day Saints offer: Davey and Goliath.


* The Mormon Church's most illustrious stars, young Davey and his trusty dog Goliath.

This Week's Separated at Birth (4/14- 4/20)

* Toupee-wearing comic Rip Taylor (top), who's turned throwing confetti into actual schtick, has one thing in common with artist LeRoy Neiman. Well, I'm sure you don't need me to point it out. However, while both Rip and LeRoy wear similar lip whiskers, one thing the two men don't have in common is their hair on top. Anybody would die to for Neiman's slick, well-manicured coif!

Yankees Forgotten A-Rod of '80

When most baseball fans hear the name "A-Rod," they think of the former Mariner/Ranger and current Yankee dynamo Alex Rodriguez. This green-eyed third baseman with his mocha skin is sure to make the ladies swoon, and his explosive bat has garnered him respect amongst Yankees fans and other MLB fans alike.


However, back in 1980 another A-Rod hit the scene in the House That Ruth Built: Aurelio Rodriguez. Having already played for the California Angels (1967-70), Washington Senators (1970), Detroit Tigers (1971-79), and San Diego Padres (1980), this Mexican-born A-Rod was a thirtysomething, former golden-glove-winning athlete when he joined the Bronx Bombers during the 1980 season. * An autographed Topps card of former Yankees thirdbaseman Aurelio Rodriguez.


Although N.Y.'s first A-Rod only batted .220 in 1980, he posted a mammoth .346 average in '81, going 18 for 52 with an even higher .370 on base percentage. Who knows what he could've done had he played a full season?


Sadly, Aurelio Rodriguez Ituarte, Jr. was killed tragically in 2000 when a motorist jumped a curb and struck the former ballplayer when he was visiting Detroit. Hearing the news, Tigers fans, who now refer to Rodriguez as "the original A-Rod," were deeply affected by his untimely demise. This '08 season, I implore Yankees fans to do the same, honorong this 1980 Yankee as "the original A-Rod!"

TRIVIA:

There have been three players in major league history named Aurelio, and all three were killed in car accidents between the ages of 44 and 53. Can you name the other two Aurelios?