One of my long-held theories (if one can call it such) seems to be turning into a law with the recent interview of two women from that notorious YFZ ranch in Texas. As these two plain Janes staunchly reported that their sect's lifestyle does not involve the abuse of and sex with minors, one can only wonder with whom are the men of this Fundamentalist Latter Day Saint compound having sex? * Female members at YFZ certainly have a knack for smoothing out and starching their blouses and hair, but what about their faces? This pic reminds me of that Eagles' tune, except I'd change the lyrics to "You can't hide . . . those TIRED eyes."

One would think that a life of polygamy would be sensuous and sinful, complete with oiled-up hourglass figures writhing on satin sheets and moaning to be taken and ravaged, or maybe that's just me. All kidding aside, most polygamists (both men and women) tend to be the variety of human being known as "carnie" or "backwoods" folk, far from any harem I'd want to be part of; far from the foursome on HBO's Big Love. * Bill Paxton (center) is flanked by the babes of Big Love, save for Chloe Sevigny (right); although, even she's a babe in comparison to real-life polygammists.

Those of you who are entertaining a life with multiple partners, just think of poor ol' Tom Green, a native of Utah who served six years in the can. Green, who was convicted of child rape in 2001 for having sex with a 13-year-old (She went on to become his first of five wives), was punished for simply trying to live his life! After all, if you were a teenage gal, would you be able to deny Green's burly physique, receding hairline, and well-groomed salt and pepper beard?

* Tom Green is vowing to never bed another teenage girl, but are the fingers of his left hand crossed?

So until I start seeing some more attractive people make their way onto the polygamy scene via the media, I'll content myself with monogamy and a purer pleasure that the mainstream Latter Day Saints offer: Davey and Goliath.


* The Mormon Church's most illustrious stars, young Davey and his trusty dog Goliath.