William Shatner's Spanish Singin' Midget Brother!!!

DNA evidence has finally confirmed that Star Trek's Captain Kirk and wee-sized Brazilian singer Nelson Ned (featured in the clip above) are in fact brothers. A popular rumor in Brazil for close to two decades has finally been confirmed via evidence collected by a staffer of Brazil's President Ignacio da Silva. According to da Silva's staffer Yolanda Requierdos, who managed to attain a position as William Shatner's live-in housekeeper throughout June and July of this year, she collected a sample of the actor's DNA from a Diet Tab soda that he drank while lounging poolside at his California home. After doing so, Requierdos dropped the can into a Ziploc, packed her bags and quickly vacated Shatner's home for a flight to Brazil

President da Silva, after weeks of waiting and nail biting as Shatner's saliva was tested, was ecstatic after hearing the favorable news on Saturday from Dr. Josephina Reyes. As for singer Nelson Ned, whose real name is Jorge Valenzuela, he willingly offered a strand of hair from his scalp a few months ago.

Since Ned's birthparents have been confirmed to be Brazilians Jorge and Lucia Valenzuela, will William Shatner return to his native Brazil for a reunion with them and his pint-sized brother? No word from Shatner about a homecoming, but one thing is for certain: Brazil is basking in the news of its newest son!

"This country has been a good friend to America," said da Silva at a press conference in Brazil on Monday. "But the knowledge that your Captain Kirk is Brazilian makes us family."

* Brazilian President Ignacio "Lula" da Silva with President Bush after Monday's press conference.

Local Weatherman's Joke Causes Confusion

Veteran weatherman and WCCO chief meteorologist Paul Douglas made a reckless, last-minute decision before his evening weathercast at 10:21 on Thursday. After a few powder puffs to the nose from Liz Grafton, the Minnesota station's resident hairdresser, wardrobe consultant and make-up artist, Douglas decided to make an on-air Hurricane Dean joke at the expense of former Vermont governor and '04 Democratic presedential nominee Howard Dean. However, Douglas didn't imagine the impact of his words.
* Douglas, a meteorologist at WCCO since 1998, "went on instinct."

The jibe came before the weathercast's extended 5-day forecast. According to Douglas, who offered a public on-air mea culpa during the station's 6 p.m. broadcast on Friday, he "went on instinct when it came time to give the Hurricane Dean update." On Thursday night, after Douglas, who received a degree in meteorology from Penn State, reported that "Dean's projected course will take it through Jamaica before it touches down in Mexico and onto Texas," the weatherman quickly removed his Navy blue suit jacket, tossed the garment aside, rolled up his white dress shirt's sleeves, and added, "Not only is it going to New Hampshire, it's going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and it's going to California and Texas and New York. And it's going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and then it's going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House! Byaaah!!!"

Towards the end of Douglas's imitation of the infamous rant that Howard Dean made before a crowd in Iowa in 2004, the cameraman cut to WCCO anchor Amelia Santaniello. Douglas could still be heard yelling off camera as Santaniello, the station's evening anchor, stared at the camera with a perplexed look. All she could muster up was a highly audible "Shhhhh!" as she looked to her left before a commercial for a local car dealership, Tom's Twin Cities Toyota, played on viewers' television sets.
* Santaniello, Douglas's WCCO colleague, attempted to shush the weatherman.

Seconds after Douglas's in-studio stunt, WCCO's phones lit up in a frenzy that didn't calm down for approximately 11 hours. Viewers who were confused about the projected path and large scope of Hurricane Dean's destruction called the station for clarification, but many of their attempts went unanswered due to the large volume of incoming calls. What resulted in the greater Twin Cities area was a good number of frantic citizens calling friends and loved ones in the states that Douglas mentioned on air: New Hampshire, South Carolina, Oklahoma, Arizona, North Dakota, New Mexico, California, Texas, New York, South Dakota, Oregon, Washington, Michigan, and Washington, D.C.

One Minnesotan from St. Paul, Libby Dryer, is asking for Douglas's resignation after she suffered a severe panic attack "due to his idiocy," said the 62-year-old widow from her home. "After I heard him [Douglas] mention South Dakota, I immediately called my mother. She's 89 years old and lives there by herself. I was frantic after hearing the news of the hurricane," said a noticeably shaken Dryer. "I didn't know it was a joke. That man should be ashamed of himself. I can only hope that he has the sense to do what's right and resign!"
* Libby Dryer was anything but smiles after watching Douglas's Thursday evening weathercast.

Meteorologists across the U.S. are also sharing Dryer's sentiments. According to Chicago's WGN-9 weatherman Tom Skilling, "Douglas's joke was in poor taste." A longtime champion of the much maligned weathercaster, Skilling has served as an AMS (American Meteorological Society) board member for the past 12 years, brainstorming with fellow members for ways to change the negative public image of the American television meteorologist as a magnetic sun-throwing fool who's always wrong. "The AMS and I have set up great programs like 'Meet Your Meteorologist' in media markets across the country, but Douglas's antics the other night undoubtedly set us back. In my opinion, his joke fell on deaf ears. Most people've forgotten Howard Dean and his speech. It would've been a more timely idea a few years ago, but it still would've been a bad idea. You don't joke about the weather, especially about hurricanes."
* Meteorologist Tom Skilling of Chicago's WGN-9 questions Douglas's comedic timing and taste.

Executives at WCCO have not offered a comment on Douglas's actions, nor have they made any mention of the veteran weatherman's fate at the station. The Douglas debacle hasn't been discussed on WCCO's television or radio airwaves since the meteorologist's 30-second apology at the close of his Friday night forecast when he admitted to putting "a prank before the people's weather needs," something he promised would never happen again.
* Douglas vows to provide Minnesotan's with no-nonsense, humor-free weather forecasts in the future.

G.W.: America's Gay President?

Jeff Gannon asked a question to Ari Fleischer in a 2003 White House press conference, the first of what were to be many SOFTBALL questions served up to both Fleischer and President Bush. Credible reporters were left wondering, "Who the hell's this guy?" and eventually the truth was revealed: Jeff Gannon, the pseudonym of James Dale Guckert, was a White House press reporter from '03 - '05 for web-based Talon News, but before then he was affiliated with several gay porn sites; he even worked as a gay escort.
* Gannon, before reporting from the Oval Office, owned male escort websites and himself earned a reported $200 per hour and $1,200 per weekend as a gay prostitute. Sorry ladies!
* Gannon trades in his dog tags for a tie and enters the White House, appearing at over 150 press conferences.

So how did Gannon, a man whose journalistic credentials only included writing for his high school's newspaper, join reporters the likes of ABC's Ann Compton and New York Times' David Sanger? Most people towing a safe line have suggested that the Beltway beefcake was a press plant, asking the powers that be pre-discussed questions that would make G.W.'s regime appear rosier. Whatever the case, the Gannon story left the media as quickly as it hit in 2005. Why? Secret Service records from the White House obtained by Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-NY) and Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) paint a picture of Gannon as a man who frequently visited 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue even when no press conferences were being held, sometimes entering and exiting the White House via irregular routes and not signing in or out when coming and going.

All of these supposed "shenanigans" have led some to wonder if Gannon was in fact carrying on an amorous relationship with G.W., so I've decided to gather some pictorial evidence supporting this notion.

First off . . . it is common knowledge that the Prez has a penchant for his pooch pal Barney. Perhaps this Scottish Terrier was named after that PURPLE dinosaur, who along with Sponge Bob Square Pants promoted gay tolerance to U.S. children in the 2005 Fed Ex-sponsored "We Are Family" video. Or could G.W. have named his pet after openly gay senator Barney Frank?
* Is the pooch named after gay Dem. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) , or . . .

* the gay-friendly purple dinosaur.

What can't be disputed is the fact that Bush often "looks" gay when holding Barney as evidenced by the pictures I've compiled.
* G.W. blows a kiss with Barney snug in his arm.
* "Oh, honey, he's poocherific!" exclaims George to his lover. "Where in heavens did you unearth this diamond?"
* No REAL military vet would turn his back on a legitimate salute to clutch his canine.
* No caption required.
* This snapshot is the epitome of a lovable gay couple doting on their dog if ever I've seen one.

Aside from the Barney pics, there's a treasure trove of evidence to support the belief that Bush enjoys embracing men, often going so far as to catch a whiff of their hair.
* G.W., like a Bloodhound, attempting to pick up on the scent of Kielbasa from former Polish President Vaclav Havel.
* Bush welcomes a bear hug from Rep. presidential nominee John McCain, but has the scent of Vietnamese food from years ago remained trapped in McCain's follicles?
* A tender moment is shared between Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Moreover, the Prez has been publicly photographed cavorting with Putin in matching outfits. Both men are aficionados of Asian fabrics.
* Bush and Putin paint the town Vietnamese . . .
* and Japanese.

It is true that President Bush is a married man (he and Laura wed in 1977), but the couple's marriage took place three short weeks after they meet at a mutual friend's backyard barbeque. Moreover, they never went on a honeymoon. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this. After all, when seen in public with his bride, George always looks masculine.

* George working the pavement like nobody's business.
* But does he have others on his mind?

In today's day and age when many literary scholars are trying to push forth the notion that every man from Shakespeare to Lincoln was a homosexual, I openly denounce such "scholarly" research as nothing more than tabloid trash since such theses usually go unfounded. However, in the case of Dub Ya, a staunch critic of same-sex unions, it'd be great to see him OUT and about on Fire Island.

* If George is indeed gay, would he hang at leather bars?

The Women in My Family: One Don at a Time

The first time I recognized that one of my relatives looked like a "Don" celebrity came sometime in the 1980s. It was probably my older brother Matt who made the call that my grandmother (my father's mother) looked like Don Knotts. Both myself, Matt, and my twin brother Brian were diehard Three's Company fans, watching the show every day after school when it aired on Fox 5 at 6 p.m. We were most likely at a family function when my brothers and I began calling my grandmother--never to her face--names like "Don Knotts," "Ralph Furley" and "R.F." (That was the name that Jack Tripper called Mr. Furley).

Let it be known that Helen, my dear grandmother who passed away several years ago, didn't resemble Don Knotts in her youth. In fact, she was born Helen Bennett, a beautiful woman of German, English and Scottish ancestry. Rather, her resemblance to Don Knotts came with the passage of time that painted wrinkles on her face and placed luggage beneath her eyes.

* My grandmother resembled Don Knotts, TV's lovable landlord Ralph Furley.

So when did the next Don enter my life? First off, it's my opinion that since God took one Don from my life, he felt the need to replace her with another; that gift from above came on June 30th of this year with the birth of my sister Christine's second child, Ava Christine. When I first cast my gaze on Ava in the hospital, she looked no different than most other newborns; however, as the days passed on by, her tiny little head presented a horse shoe collection of hair. Quite simply, she looked like your run-of-the-mill bald man.

Right around the same time, when Ava was snug in my sister and brother-in-law's home, I noticed something far greater: My new niece's eyes looked strikingly similar to Don Rickles'. "Jeepers Creepers!" I exclaimed to my sister as I held Ava. "Where'd she get these peepers? She looks like Don Rickles!"

* Funny man legend Don Rickles could be mistaken for the father of my niece Ava.

Since the day I dubbed Ava "Baby Don Rickles," my sister and brother Brian have also been using this term of endearment. I'm not sure how my brother-in-law (Ava's father) feels about the whole thing, but I can't imagine he's too thrilled. As for my father, he was irate after learning a few days ago that one of our relatives (a cousin who will go unmentioned), said as she held Ava for the first time, "Oh my Lord. She looks like Don Rickles!" When my father relayed this occurence to me, he was infuriated. In fact, his exact words were something like "What gives her the right. Don Rickles? She's crazy. Wacko. Nut job . . . . " He muttered other choice words under his breath about this particular relative, but I couldn't make them out. My sister and I don't have the heart to tell my father who else is calling his darling granddaughter "Don Rickles."

* My father, a proud, defensive grandfather who won't stand anyone talking smack about his little girls.

Who knows which distinguished Don will be thrust upon my family in the future. Unfortunately, I will most likely not be on this blessed earth when God graces my family with another Don. However, if I have any say in it, I'd like to cast an early vote for Don Adams.

* I'd be ecstatic if a future relative of mine resembles television detective Don Adams of Get Smart fame.

Indian Frat Boys' Credibility Credited to Road House Film

The University of Georgia's fraternity Sigma Beta Rho, which was founded in May of 2004 as an exclusively Indian brotherhood, once prided itself on being a "different" frat since it hit the scene several years ago. In a 2004 interview, Sigma's president, Vinay Matai, said of his group, “(The fraternity) focuses on social aspects and philanthropy. We want to give back to the community.” However, the goody-two-shoes tide that has added to Georgia's southern hospitality has begun to experience an ebb since Matai's departure in May of '06. Since then, many of Sigma's members have expressed an interest in wanting their fraternity to become more like traditional U.S. fraternities.
* Former Sigma Prez Matai (left) in 2005 after a charity softball game that raised $246 for an area domestic abuse shelter.

So what does a fledgling frat do to try and gain the respect of heavyweights the likes of Tau Kappa Epsilon? This no-nonsense brotherhood decided to pay homage to a fratboy cinematic classic by hosting a Road House-themed bash mere miles from the campus at their duplex frat house.

* Road House, a 1989 film starring Patrick Swayze as James Dalton and a film favorite among young men.

"At first we had a hard time deciding on a date," confessed Samir Shah, Sigma's current president. "I had great ideas, but a lot of the dates just didn't work. We all wanted it to be perfect and memorable, kind of like the Ides of March."

Shah and his collective brethren were despondent after discovering that their first three dates were a wash, recalls Bhavesh Patel. "We wanted to hold the party on Patrick Swayze's birthday, but August 18th didn't work. That's a week before students even arrive on campus."

Sadly, Sigma's other two dates were no better:
* Sam Elliott, who plays Swayze's ol' bar bouncer pal Wade Garrett in Road House, celebrates his birthday on August 9th.

* Road House bad guy Brad Wesley played by Hollywood icon Ben Gazzara. His August 28th birthday would've been more preferable for Sigma, but "it wouldn't have given us enough time to prepare and get the word out on campus," explained Shah.

After the 9-member frat received permission to hold a party from their duplex neighbors on rural Briarwood Lane (a single mother of two and her elderly father), Sigma decided on May 19th as their date of choice, the date when the film was theatrically released in '89.

"May 19th is at the very end of the spring semester," admits Shah, "but it's the best we could do. Only 12 people showed up for our first party [in 2006] most likely because it was advertised as a 'dry' party, but these people stayed around campus just for our bash. Some of them were commuters. It was nice to see a few people dressed up as Road House characters."
* Swayze and Kelly Lynch, the Road House couple.
* Sigma's leader Shah dressed as Swayze, with his guest, Gail Drexler, dressed as Lynch's character. Unfortunately, the two were mistaken by some as Rod Stewart and ex-wife Rachel Hunter.

As for this year's Road House event, it was a commendable success, attracting the frat's 9 members in addition to 18 other university students. If you include one of the boys' neighbors, 72-year-old Gene Flanders, Sigma's soiree had 28 people in attendance.
* Sigma's elderly neighbor Gene Flanders with his dog Beauregard.

"My daughter and her kids were away for the day. The boys knew that, so they invited me over for the party," recalls Flanders. "It was a good time. They appreciated the horse shoes game I set up for them. They're good kids."

Aside from the horse shoes, the activities for this year's bash were a pin-the-tail-on-the-Swayze game set up in the living room and a backyard wiffle ball game that pitted the Brad Wesleys versus the James Daltons. Just the like the film, the Daltons were victorious in a 12th-inning 10-9 defeat.

Where Have You Gone '80s Moustache? Our Upper Lips Are Naked Without You.

* "Soarrry. The correct answer is Francisco Vasquez de Coronado!"
* "Mr. Moustache" himself: Tom Selleck as Tom Magnum.

* John Oates of that beloved '80s pop music duo.

Where has the moustache gone? Sure, some people wear them, but today it’s usually the result of a lost bet, a dare, or an act of vanity to mask a hair lip. In sum, the moustache has become a joke, a blight that’s similar to the penis that numerous frat boys have Sharpied onto the faces of slumbering pledges. Quite simply, this collection of follicles that once adorned many a celeb’s upper lip in the 1980s has hopped into the grave with Rick “Superfreak” James, who himself shaved his lip hair when it was no longer all the rage.

I’m certainly not suggesting that Mr. Reaper would have spared James’s life had the singer stayed with the stache, but one cannot deny the moustache’s ability to make a man appear more virile and potent. After all, have you ever seen a pic of James without lip hair? He looks feminine, strikingly similar to Alfre Woodard.

I’ve tried to understand why a look that was good enough for some of the greatest men in history (i.e. Shakespeare) has become besmirched over the course of the past two decades, relegating its prominence to the point where it’s perceived to be a skid mark on the cotton underwear canvas that is the man’s face. After much pondering, I’ve come to a conclusion and will attempt to dispel the rumors surrounding the moustache.

#1
MYTH: Moustaches make men look gay.

TRUTH: A dildo in his suitcase or a
rainbow sticker on his car’s bumper can
make a man “look” gay, not a moustache.

EXPLANATION: Robert Reed, best known as the sage patriarch of that lovable Brady Bunch, started donning a moustache in the latter part of the ‘70s and well into the ‘80s before he succumbed to AIDS; however, not once did his choice of facial hair reveal his true sexuality. He even had Florence Henderson, all six kids and Sam the Butcher fooled! Reed’s sodomite ways also failed to appear as a luminously lavender blip on Alice’s gaydar screen.

#2
MYTH: Men with moustaches look much better without them.

TRUTH: The converse (in most cases) is true.

EXPLANATION: A myriad of men have had their appearances improved by the simple growth of a moustache.

EXHIBIT A: Larry Bird

Larry’s “Bird” beak and non-existent upper lip were once tastefully complemented by a moustache in his playing days; this is no longer the case. Today Larry Legend looks like a used car salesman whose drinking problem is quenched at a local Elks lodge.

EXHIBIT B: John “I’m not Hall” Oates

John once had the sexy “come hither” look (below, top) that made all the ladies moist in the ‘80s, but his lack of facial hair makes him appear midgetlike (below, middle), baring an uncanny similarity to little person actor Peter Dinklage (below, bottom) of Station Agent fame.

#3
MYTH: Moustaches give men an evil, devilish look.

TRUTH: If a man is the spawn of Satan, there’s nothing a moustache can do to enhance such a flaw regardless of whether the evil is a result of nature, nurture, or both.

EXPLANATION: A good number of evil men throughout recorded history have unfortunately decided to select the moustache as their choice of facial hair. Sadly, a few rotten apples seemed to have spoiled the bunch, but what about the kindly, benevolent men who wore these whiskers?
* Which of these men was responsible for the murder of millions of Jews?
* Through rain, sleet and snow these fictional postal carriers will go, and they’ll never mace your pooch.

The moustache will continue to be vilified by various stereotypes in the years to come as . . .

1.) a gay thang,

* Her Royal Highness, Freddie Mercury!

2.) an unappealing adornment,

* C’mon, Rollie. That’s just downright . . . OBNOXIOUS!

3.) or that which gives off an air of evil.

* Hasselhoff is turned into Michael Knight’s mortal enemy, Garthe Knight thanks to a moustache . . . and a soul patch.

But let’s not forget the parental advice that Mike Brady probably relayed to one of his television children: "Don’t judge a book by its cover." True, some men should not wear a moustache, but for many men a Moustache is a must have.