Where Have You Gone '80s Moustache? Our Upper Lips Are Naked Without You.

* "Soarrry. The correct answer is Francisco Vasquez de Coronado!"
* "Mr. Moustache" himself: Tom Selleck as Tom Magnum.

* John Oates of that beloved '80s pop music duo.

Where has the moustache gone? Sure, some people wear them, but today it’s usually the result of a lost bet, a dare, or an act of vanity to mask a hair lip. In sum, the moustache has become a joke, a blight that’s similar to the penis that numerous frat boys have Sharpied onto the faces of slumbering pledges. Quite simply, this collection of follicles that once adorned many a celeb’s upper lip in the 1980s has hopped into the grave with Rick “Superfreak” James, who himself shaved his lip hair when it was no longer all the rage.

I’m certainly not suggesting that Mr. Reaper would have spared James’s life had the singer stayed with the stache, but one cannot deny the moustache’s ability to make a man appear more virile and potent. After all, have you ever seen a pic of James without lip hair? He looks feminine, strikingly similar to Alfre Woodard.

I’ve tried to understand why a look that was good enough for some of the greatest men in history (i.e. Shakespeare) has become besmirched over the course of the past two decades, relegating its prominence to the point where it’s perceived to be a skid mark on the cotton underwear canvas that is the man’s face. After much pondering, I’ve come to a conclusion and will attempt to dispel the rumors surrounding the moustache.

#1
MYTH: Moustaches make men look gay.

TRUTH: A dildo in his suitcase or a
rainbow sticker on his car’s bumper can
make a man “look” gay, not a moustache.

EXPLANATION: Robert Reed, best known as the sage patriarch of that lovable Brady Bunch, started donning a moustache in the latter part of the ‘70s and well into the ‘80s before he succumbed to AIDS; however, not once did his choice of facial hair reveal his true sexuality. He even had Florence Henderson, all six kids and Sam the Butcher fooled! Reed’s sodomite ways also failed to appear as a luminously lavender blip on Alice’s gaydar screen.

#2
MYTH: Men with moustaches look much better without them.

TRUTH: The converse (in most cases) is true.

EXPLANATION: A myriad of men have had their appearances improved by the simple growth of a moustache.

EXHIBIT A: Larry Bird

Larry’s “Bird” beak and non-existent upper lip were once tastefully complemented by a moustache in his playing days; this is no longer the case. Today Larry Legend looks like a used car salesman whose drinking problem is quenched at a local Elks lodge.

EXHIBIT B: John “I’m not Hall” Oates

John once had the sexy “come hither” look (below, top) that made all the ladies moist in the ‘80s, but his lack of facial hair makes him appear midgetlike (below, middle), baring an uncanny similarity to little person actor Peter Dinklage (below, bottom) of Station Agent fame.

#3
MYTH: Moustaches give men an evil, devilish look.

TRUTH: If a man is the spawn of Satan, there’s nothing a moustache can do to enhance such a flaw regardless of whether the evil is a result of nature, nurture, or both.

EXPLANATION: A good number of evil men throughout recorded history have unfortunately decided to select the moustache as their choice of facial hair. Sadly, a few rotten apples seemed to have spoiled the bunch, but what about the kindly, benevolent men who wore these whiskers?
* Which of these men was responsible for the murder of millions of Jews?
* Through rain, sleet and snow these fictional postal carriers will go, and they’ll never mace your pooch.

The moustache will continue to be vilified by various stereotypes in the years to come as . . .

1.) a gay thang,

* Her Royal Highness, Freddie Mercury!

2.) an unappealing adornment,

* C’mon, Rollie. That’s just downright . . . OBNOXIOUS!

3.) or that which gives off an air of evil.

* Hasselhoff is turned into Michael Knight’s mortal enemy, Garthe Knight thanks to a moustache . . . and a soul patch.

But let’s not forget the parental advice that Mike Brady probably relayed to one of his television children: "Don’t judge a book by its cover." True, some men should not wear a moustache, but for many men a Moustache is a must have.