You Guess It (12/29 - 1/4)

As a teacher, I often use multiple-choice questions on quizzes or tests. Hey, they're a lot better than the lame True of False questions that ANY moron with ANY amount of luck could get right. With that stated, here's a new feature I'm adding to ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO POST. Please post your comment to me with your answer. Enjoy.

* What words did President-Elect Obama speak to Vice President-Elect Biden in the picture below?

A. "Don't listen to Senator Dodd. Your hair looks wonderful!"

B. "Joe, stop staring at Barney Frank. He may take it the wrong way."

C. "If you call me B.O. one more time, I'll cut you loose like a 20-dollar whore."

D. None of the above.

* The answer will be posted NEXT WEEK.

NEWS FLASH: Abe Vigoda Is NOT Dead!

At the age of 87, Abe Vigoda is still alive as I type these words. Best known for his role as Salvatore Tessio in The Godfather and The Godfather II, Vigoda also had a memorable role in Look Who's Talking as John Travolta's grandfather. His death was erroneously reported by People magazine in '82, and since then his mortality has become ubiquitous fodder; there are even websites devoted to this topic. Check out http://www.abevigodacom/ for daily updates on A.V.

If you'd like to cheer on Abe Vigoda in his quest to continue living, I suggest you buy a t-shirt from http://kurtsshirts.com/ They offer a fun tee with a picture of the actor when he played the loveable Detective Sergeant Phil Fish on tv's Barney Miller. Here's to Mr. Vigoda living in '09!

This Week's Separated At Birth (12/29 - 1/4)

* Billy Crystal looks a helluva lot like famed Hispanic actor Hector Elizondo. The winner of an Emmy in '97 for his role as Dr Phillip Watters in Chicago Hope, Elizondo can now be seen in a tv show that no one watches: Monk.

Jesse's Cryin'?

Forget about Jamie's Cryin'--the popular song by Aerosmith--what about Rev. (?) Jesse Jackson yesterday when Barack Obama became America's first African-American President? Mr. Rainbow Coalition himself turned on the waterworks to become the EIGHTH DWARF: Weepy. Isn't this the same guy who during a break from taping a segment on The O'Reilly Factor muttered that he wanted Obama's cajones?

Sour grapes if you ask from me. Now that Obama's bringin' some black to the White House, it looks like somebody doesn't want to be left behind with Rev. Al Sharpton, playing the role of the second banana to an African-American community who has no need for him as a mouthpiece.

Hey Barack, you've done what Jackson could never do. You've also cut your ties to questionable people like Reverend Jeremiah "God Damn America!" Wright, but accepting Rev. (?) Jackson's olive branch would be unwise. Don't forget that he referred to Jews as Hymies and to NYC as Hymie Town during his first bid for the presidency, if you could call it that.

This Week's Separated At Birth (9/28 - 10/5)

* I hate to admit it, but Mr. Oriole himself, Cal Ripken, is looking more and more like the face of Darth Vader with each passing day. Those of you REAL Star Wars fans know that the humpty-dumpty-looking face of the maskless Vader was that of British actor Sebastian Shaw (God rest his soul!), not David Prowse, the man INSIDE THE SUIT. Hey Cal, if you gain any more wait, you're gonna start looking like John Waters' muse, Divine.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (9/29 - 10/5)

* Before his film career as a bumbling, white-haired lieutenant, this Canadian-born actor was very young and very hot on the silver screen, taking a trip to a forbidden planet! Next he'll star in Slap Shot 3: The Junior League. Hell, I didn't even know there was a Slap Shot 2!

NEWS FLASH: Clay Aiken is Gay?

He had us fooled for all these years with his bevy of Claymates and his strong Southern drawl, not to mention the birth of his baby boy, Parker Foster Aiken, this past August. And we all thought Mr. Clay Aiken (aka "King of the Blue Eyeliner") was indeed straight. What the hell were we thinking? The last time a similar news story shocked the American public, the people cried, "No! Not Liberace!"

This Week's Separated At Birth (8/11 - 8/17)

* Their similar hair, noses and eyes makes me wonder if actor Eric Bogosian was indeed Slim Goodbody, sporting that spandex outfit back in the '80s. Goodbody, who was created and performed by John Burstein, is still at it in the 21st century, continuing to don that flesh-colored body suit. For more info on Slim, visit http://www.slimgoodbody.com/.

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . ? (8/11 - 8/17)

The obvious choice for last week's clue is Winona Ryder (not Alec Baldwin), but the notorious five-fingered femme WOULD NOT eat the Sun Chips while grocery shopping before hiding the bag behind Enquirer magazines at the checkout. The reason: Ms. Ryder is one of these "Green" Hollywood celebs; out of her respect for this eco-friendly company who makes their product in California using solar energy she would pay for the bag. As for a bag of Cheetos, the jury is stil out on that one. It is Alec Baldwin who would be the offender! His fear of being lumped into the same category as a pregnant woman for munching in the supermarket would force him to hide the empty bag; however, his guilty conscience would force him to give the checker a five-dollar tip.

For this week's question, I turn to the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing and two of China's greatest men, Bao Xishun and He Pingping. Xishun, China's tallest man, and Pingping, China's shortest man, are a VERY adorable couple for obvious reasons, yet I ask, Which of these two oddities is more likely to engage in the fetish of staking out the women's section of a Chinese department store and waiting for a woman to select a pair of jeans or shorts, try them on in a dressing room, and return them to their rightful place due to their dissatisfaction with the fit, at which time the voyeur bides his time before picking up the garment and nonchalantly sniffing its crotch for a feminine odor?

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/11 - 8/17)

* The "Very Young, Very Hot" actress from last week's clue who still maintains her sexiness is none other than Italy's own Sofia Villani Scicolone, known to film audiences as Sofia Loren. The star of El Cid and Pret-a-Porter will turn sexy 74 this September 20th.

Moving onto this week's celeb, I found a snapshot of him in all his youthful sexiness. Incidentally, I had the pleasure of urinating next to this actor several years before his death. I can still remember me and him standing side by side, he with a pipe perched in his mouth as actor Griffin Dunne came behind him and jokingly asked, "(Actor's name deleted for obvious reasons), is that marijuana in your pipe?" Anyway, this star of the stage and screen lived a very long life and was once very sexy in a doting daddy way.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (8/4 - 8/10)

* After approximately a year and a half of WAITING, the Sirius-XM merger has been approved! Though I'm ecstatic over the news, the victory is bittersweet for this Sirius subscriber who pays his $13.86 a month and who has been holding out for more diverse satellite programming. Though I'm a registered Republican, I tend to vote for the Dems, but this Sirius-XM union makes me want to vote for McCain this Novemeber. After all, the two people on the FCC who voted against this deal were Democrats Jonathan Adelstein and Michael Copps. Thank god the three Republicans (Kevin Martin, Robert McDowell and Deborah Taylor Tate) had the common sense to not see this merger as a monopoly. I say, "Give me Oprah and MLB along with the Howard Stern and NFL that I already pay for!"

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/4 - 8/10)

* The "Very Young, Very Hot" actor who was last week's clue is now a 78-year-old man, but there's no doubt about it that he was HOT back in the day. Even though his gunslinging days are in the past, Clinton Eastwood, Jr.'s performances in the Sergio Leone "Spaghetti Westerns" will be with us forever!

For this week's clue we have a female, which I'm sure you've already gathered from the risque photo above. This actress, both then and now, could put the marinara on my spaghetti any day.

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . ? (8/4 - 8/10)

The answer to the Jan Michael Vincent question from a few weeks ago is . . . DRUMROLL . . . the 1980s Jan Michael of Airwolf fame, and here's why: the Jan Michael who lives among us today is a sad alcoholic who ain't got a pot to piss in, which is why he wouldn't be able to afford the luxury of a Stella Artois 6-pack. 21st-century Jan is more likely to drink rubbing alcoholc (ala Kitty Dukakis) or Old Milwaukee, not a premium Belgian brew. On the other hand, '80s Jan would freely spend his wad of Benjamins on libations, but he'd keep his beer to himself at a backyard barbecue because he CAN . . . he's Mr. AIRWOLF.

As for this week's question, who is more likely to open up a bag of Sun Chips and munch on 3/4 of the bag while shopping for groceries before reaching the checkout and hiding the crumpled, nearly depleted bag behind a National Enquirer? A.) Winona "Been Caught Stealing" Rider

B.) Alec "Never Been Caught Stealing" Baldwin

This Week's Separated At Birth (8/4 - 8/10)

* Years before John Denver went LEAVING ON A JET PLANE when he died in a plane crash on October 12, 1997, he was a moptopped folk singer who looked eerily similar to tennis legend Martina Navratilova.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzbock This Week (7/1 - 7/27)

* Michael Alan WEINER, the controversial conservative media blowhard better known as Michael Savage, has hit a new low. No, this time it's not a gay Muslim democrat that he's bashing; it's AUTISM and the children who live with it each day of their lives! WEENIE MAN has definitely lived up to his surname this time, referring to autism as "the illness du jour." As if that wasn't enough, the BIG WEINER added, "You know what autism is? I'll tell you what autism is in 99.9% of the cases: It's a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out." In response to the Imuslike uproar WEINER has rightfully received, his response began: "My comments about autism were meant to boldly awaken parents and children to the medical community's attempt to label too many children or adults as 'autistic.'" Thanks, WEINER, for looking out for the welfare of the masses. I'll be sure to spread your message to the .10% of children and their families who, in your professional opinion as a WEINER, truly live with autism. Why don't you come to the school where I teach, walk into an autistic classroom, and see if 99.9% of it is filled with "little brats." You truly are a SAVAGE WEINER!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/28 - 8/2)

* Last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" actor was Mr. Brady himself, Robert Reed. The picture of him was a publicity shot from the tv series The Defenders, which aired in the early 1960s.

As for the celeb who's on the chopping block for this week, we have ANOTHER male actor; don't worry . . . there'll be a female next week! The actor pictured above, looking quite young and hot in a leather jacket and white t-shirt, went on to become a TRUE auteur of Hollywood films, but above all, he's known for the work he did in the WEST. Do ya feel lucky this week?

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/28 - 8/3)

* Forget about Liv Tyler being the Aerosmith frontman's daughter. Getta load of Ms. Melissa Rivers! Is Missy the love child of Steven Tyler and Joan Rivers? If this is not the case, and it's

socially acceptable for Melissa and Steven to get it on, what kind of mouth would their offspring have?

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . (7/21 - 7/27)

The answer to last week's question was surprisingly BARACK OBAMA. It is he who would neglect to pay his paperboy. He and his wife Michelle, first of all, are RARELY home in Illinois. As a result, their paperboy usually has to wait quite a while to receive payment, going so far as to sneak attack Mr. Obama for the unpaid bill. Some advice to the Obamas: Put a trusty neighbor in charge of passing your payment onto the young lad newsboy.

As for John McCain, he shouldn't have even been considered for last week's question. John and Cindy cancelled their subscription to the Arizona Republic News several months ago. According to an inside source, the McCains were irate with the laziness of their paperboy (He was actually a fortysomething-year-old man.) for throwing the paper as he drove by in his 1985 Chevrolet Caprice Classic station wagon.

This week's query will be a little easier. Who is more likely to bring two 6-packs of Stella Artois beer to a backyard barbecue and keep it to himself in a compact blue and white Playmate cooler that he hides behind a potted plant, discreetly reaching for a bottle from the folding chair on which he plops himself for the duration of the party?

A.) A 1980's Jan-Michael Vincent when he was on top of the world in tv's Airwolf, or . . .

B.) a 21st century alcoholic, incoherent Jan-Michael who can't remember when to go to the bathroom?

C'mon, you can do it! There are a lot of clues in this week's question.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (7/14 - 7/20)

Soon after the recent passing of former White House Press Secretary Tony Snow became public, I heard someone say, "First Bobby Murcer; now Tony Snow! I wonder who's gonna be next? They always say deaths come in three." To this moron I wanted to shout, "You! That's who's gonna die next. You!" I mean does anyone REALLY believe that deaths, like tennis balls, come in packs of three? Why do they not also come in ones, twos, fours, fives, etc.? After all, doesn't a second death precede a third death and a fourth succeed a third?

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/21 - 7/27)

* The "Very Young, Very Hot" femme belle from last week was Shelley Winters, the robust woman who sacrificed her life in The Poseidon Adventure. Younger audiences will remember her as Roseanne's grandmother on tv's Roseanne.

For this week, we have a man who is no longer with us (He passed away in the early '90s.). However, back in the early '60s he was YOUNG and HOT before becoming a FAMOUS television father.

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/21 - 7/27)

* Whoever cast THE GOONIES film and didn't select John Madden to play one of Mama Fratelli's sons should be banned from EVER being a casting agent again. Famous character actress Anne Ramsey, who succumbed to cancer in 1988 at the age of 58, (Yes, she was ONLY 58!!!) looks like Mr. Madden's mama. This, however, leads me to wonder who would play the other Fratelli brother.

Feel free to post a comment with any of your suggestions. Until next week . . .

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . (7/14 - 7/20)

A new feature (along with "This Week's Separated At Birth," "A Very Young, Very Hot . . . ," and "What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week") has been added to this blog's lineup. Quite simply, I'm calling it, "Who is More Likely . . . ," and I hope you all enjoy it.

For this week's question, I ask, who is more likely to neglect to pay the paperboy for several weeks, if not months, before being put into a position to do so upon meeting up with the paperboy when slowly, carefully exiting their home to circumspectly retrieve the paper only to be snuck up on by the paperboy who has been hiding behind a large front yard shrub?

*Please, do not be swayed by the pictures below.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/14 - 7/20)

* I hope you guessed that last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" celeb was none other than Mr. (Fred) Rogers. Though he's passed on to the Neighborhood of Make Believe in the sky, we still have his shows to keep his memory alive; however, he is neither very young nor very hot in them.
As for this week's star who was youthfully sexy, I'm selecting a female . . . FINALLY; I do so in response to the many e-mails I've received that have labeled me, Reid Erzblock, a card-carrying homosexual. As a burly meat-and-potatoes man, I'm sinking to my detractors' level in defending myself.

The lady above (with the more-than-ample bosom) was a sexy siren in her younger days before she perished on the Poseidon decades later. C'mon, you have to get this one!

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/14 - 7/20)

* Famous badass character actor Michael Ironside (He even has a badass last name!) looks strikingly similar to deceased Russian badass Bolshevik Vladimir Lenin. Their bald heads, facial whiskers, and eyes are a marriage made in HEAVEN! Keep in mind: Mr. Ironside is opening his eyes wide, but in their sedentary state, they appear more like Lenin's.
* Hell, let's throw one more badass into the mix: Jack Nicholson. There's no doubt he could be Michael Ironside's older brother.

McCain Fails to Wear Blackface at NAACP Convention

Presidential nominee John McCain spoke before the NAACP today, but the rumors that he would don blackface makeup went unsubstantiated when the Ohio crowd at the historic organization's 99th anuual convention saw nothing but white skin and liver spots. As is usually the case, a disapproving frown (pictured below) often blanketed the Republican nominee's countenance many times throughout the duration of the speech.

* McCain gives his trademark look of disapproval.

According to a member of Barack Obama's camp, McCain was toying with the idea of wearing blackface to try and "endear" himself to the African-American voters who perceive the 71-year-old as "old" and "curmudgeonly." Jill Lewis, one of the Democratic nominee's public relations assistants, said, "We heard from a reputable source that this was supposed to happen; apparently, we were wrong."

However, while team Obama is stewing over McCain's decision to nix the stunt, Republicans are describing the accusation as pure nonsense. Senator Tom Coburn of Ohio (R) called the claim an "obvious attempt to sully McCain's character." Similarly, fellow Republican senator John Warner (Virginia) characterized the Obama camp's accusation as a mere story: "I don't know what kind of jungle juice the Democrats are drinking, but it has to be something that's helping create some wild fiction."
* Ted Danson wore blackface (ala Al Jolson) at a Friars' Club roast for his then-girlfriend Whoopi Goldberg; the stunt led to the former Cheers star being dubbed a racist.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/7 - 7/12)

* Last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" celeb was Audrey Hepburn's co-star in Breakfast at Tiffany's; he also led the pack as Hannibal on television's A-Team. Still haven't guessed it? Well, he was George Peppard, God rest his soul!
As for this week's clue, he, before passing away, was a daytime television star. Many years before he made it big in a neighborhood that was HIS, this man, as evidenced by the picture above, was young and hot.

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/7 - 7/13)

* If it were possible for a woman to give birth to a puppet, Madame, the ubiquitous presence of '70's and '80's television, would be the inanimate child of Broadway legend Carol Channing. Then again, some sort of a creature would have to copulate with Ms. Channing for such a birth to occur.

Famous Vietnam Vet Curses Reporter For "Stupid" Question

Vietnam vet Ron Kovic, who took his Purple Heart and parlayed his paralysis into a bestselling book and Academy Award-winning film, Born on the Fourth of July, which starred Tom Cruise, expects EVERYONE to know his birthday. So when a reporter, last week, asked the anti-war activist what he would be doing on the 4th, Kovic reportedly replied, "What the hell d'ya think I'll be doing?"

As the South Carolina-based Post and Courier journalist, Fryderyk Wysoki, simply stared at Kovic, who was in Charleston for an anti-war rally, the veteran, according to Wysoki, became increasingly more irate, shouting, "Just what the f-ck d'ya think I'll be doing? Don't you know who the f-ck I am? And you call yourself a f-cking journalist?" before wheeling by the dumbfounded reporter as he muttered numerous parting expletives.

* Reporter Fryderyk Wysoki kneeling before Kovic, moments before the Vietnam vet verbally assaulted the journalist for his lack of knowledge.

What Kovic didn't know, however, is that Wysoki, a Polish reporter who has been with South Carolina's Courier and Times as part of a culture-sharing program with Poland's Gazeta Polska (Polish Gazette), is in the United States to learn about people like Ron Kovic.

On this 4th of July, regardless of his treatment of a foreign reporter, let us not forget Mr. Kovic's beautifully written prose, a true reminder of the sacrifices offered by our nation's brave men and women: "I am the living death, the Memorial Day on wheels. I am your Yankee Doodle Dandy, your John Wayne come home, your Fourth of July firecracker exploding in the grave."

Isn't everyone's entitled to having a bad day every now and then? In fact, perhaps, at this moment, a Polish war veteran is cursing out an American reporter.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/31 - 7/6)

* Was once-Hollywood hottie Rory Calhoun, the star of television's The Texan (1959 -60), the REAL father of George Clooney? True, Clooney's father, Nick, (below) does appear to have offered his sperm to the concotion that created Hollywood's golden boy, but Calhoun's eyes, as well as his success as an actor, producer and writer, prove him to be a worthy sire.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/30 - 7/6)

Why don't the folks at People do a Sexiest Man Dead issue? Speaking of the dead, this man, who was once very young and hot, was a television star in the 70s and 80s, but well before then, he had brunch--or was it breakfast?--with Audrey Hepburn, who herself was very young and hot. Got rest both of their sexy souls!
By the way, last week's "very young, very hot" clue was none other than Steve Martin.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/23 - 6/29)

* John McCain, the man who changed the Beach Boys' tune "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran," is looking more and more like a Beach Boy himself, especially when he dons a ballcap. Rumor has it that the Republican presidential nominee may rework "Help Me, Rhonda" into "Trounce Obama" for his campaign's battle cry.