This Week's Separated At Birth (1/26 - 2/1)

Holy Sweet Jesus, let's put The Wizard of Oz on Broadway so that Jerry Stiller can play the Mayor of Munchkinland! I can hear Jerry's gruff voice singing the words first sung by Charlie Becker, the original mini mayor: "As mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the land of Oz, I welcome you most regally."

And if Mr. Stiller refuses our casting call, deciding that he'd like to play Oz himself, we'll say, "No, Jerry! Damn it, no! A thousand times, no! You were born to play the MAYOR, Jerry. The role of Oz . . . we're giving it to your son."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/26 - 2/1)

Why on Earth did I stay to watch the lackluster ending dance number in Slumdog Millionaire?All I've been hearing about this movie is "You gotta see the ending!" Well, you know what: Bollywood, Schmollywood, it was crap! All I learned is that two of the film's actors, Dev Patel (Jamal) and Freida Pinto (Latika), couldn't dance their way out of a basket even if a snake charmer beckoned them with his flute. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but the dance featured piss-poor choreography in addition to taking me out of the contemplative, somber mood I had been brought into.

Verbal Misunderstanding, Man's Reason To Live

This past Saturday morning Jerry Amerstam went to his Brooklyn corner deli as always for a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich (on a Kaiser roll), light on the salt, heavy on the pepper, heavy on the ketchup. But a little after 9 a.m. he heard something which, according to the 56-year-old bus dispatcher, gave him "a reason to live."

Mr. Amerstam recalled, "I was just standing there, waiting for my sandwich, when a guy in a chef's outfit comes in, and I hear him ask Billy [William Santoro, the deli's owner], 'You got any meunster cheese, chief ?'"

What caused the recently divorced man to break into riotous laughter, however, wasn't the chef's question; it was what both he and Santoro thought they had heard from the anxious chef. "I give Jerry his sandwich," stated Santoro, "then I ask this chef guy how much meunster cheese he needs. Well, he says, 'No, I need mustard seeds!' At this point, Jerry breaks out into the loudest laugh I've ever heard, slapping his knee and all."

* Jerry Amerstam (center) no longer plans on checking out of this world anytime soon thanks to what he thought heard at his local deli.

Amerstam, whose wife filed for divorce this past September, has felt depressed about his marriage's demise. The Williamsburg resident even admitted to thinking about jumping onto the Broooklyn Queens Expressway this past Christmas Eve. All of that, though, seems to have changed ever since the incident between the chef and the deli owner. "I'm telling ya, somebody's gotta make this into a movie, or at least a book," suggested Amerstam. "Stuff like this doesn't happen everyday."

* William "Billy" Santoro, owner of "The Corner Place," is confident that Amerstam, a devoted cutomer, will be back for his breakfast sandwich for years to come.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/12 - 1/19)

I am IRATE that actor Adrian Zmed is on VH1's Confessions of a Teen Idol mostly because of some of the other actors on the show who DO NOT DESERVE to flush the toilet that Mr. Zmed defecates into. Actors like David Chokachi (Who?) of Baywatch are so bush league in comparison to the star of T.J. Hooker and Grease 2!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/19 - 1/25)

Don't hate me all you Roman Catholics, but last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" article featured the now-deceased Pope John Paul II. The picture of PJP2 was of him when he was known as Karol Wojtyla, a young, hot man who would one day go on to become the FIRST POLISH POPE.

For this week, I'll be less irreverent, going back to Hollywood for an image of youth and hotness. Yes, as evidenced by the above picture, it's a pic of another guy, but that's what makes this weekly piece different. After all, the famous femmes are always credited for being "Very Young" and "Very Hot," but unless you're Clooney or Pitt, we guys seldom get our recognition. So, who is the young, hot under-shirted male celeb this week? Hint: he once starred with Patrick Swayze in a VERY DIRTY film at a time when he was neither VERY YOUNG nor VERY HOT.

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/19 - 1/25)

Thanks to the fine folks at dlisted for this pic of Amy Casa de Vino on vaycay in St. Lucia, a shot actually taken by a photog from England's Sun. Am I the only one asking, "And I was oddly attracted to her dirtiness, complete with heroin tracks, overly mascared raccoon eyes, and three-day worn panties?"

If that's true, I must also have the hots for Tim Curry as Dr. Frankenfurter, the star of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yuk! Can you say, The Crying Game? Sweet Jesus, gimme some turpentine to clean my tainted flesh!

P.S. Thank you MK for covering Amy's molehills with pictures of her hubby, Blake.

Did You Know? (Part I)

I hate to admit that I've gone most of my life thinking that the guy who played Blacula in two blaxploitation films--Blacula (1972) and its sequel Scream Blacula Scream (1973)--was most likely some down-on-his-luck brother who took on the role of the black bloodsucker for an embarrassing paltry paycheck. Though I've often scoffed at the Blacula character, I was dead wrong to mock the man behind the widow's peak! Did you know . . .

1.) William Marshall, the man who played Blacula, grew up the son of a dentist, attending New York University before training at the Actors Studio.

2.) He was Hollywood Horror Legend Boris Karloff's understudy in the 1950 Broadway production of Peter Pan for the role of Captain Hook.

3.) He also starred in a vast number of Shakespearean productions in the U.S. and abroad, playing the title role of Othello numerous times.

4.) On tv, he made his way into episodes of The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, Bonanza, Rawhide, Ben Casey, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Star Trek, The Wild Wild West, Mannix, The Jeffersons, and Benson.

5.) On the silver screen, he acted in Demetrius and the Gladiators (with Victor Mature), The Boston Strangler, and Maverick.

5.) He assumed the role of the King of Cartoons on tv's Pee-wee's Playhouse, delivering that indelible line: "Let . . . the cartoon . . . begin!"

6.) He taught acting at the University of California, Irvine.

7.) He succumbed to Alzheimer's and diabetes on June 11, 2003, and some of the eulogies spoken at Marshall's funeral were delivered by heavy hitting actors such as Sidney Poitier, Paul Winfield, Ivan Dixon and Marla Gibbs.

A Very Young, Very Hot, Conrad Bain

by Zip Rand-Masterclean (guest blogger)



Yes, that “wife beater” tank-top wearing Marlon Brando could hold a candle, but not to the megasuperstar that is Conrad Bain, pictured above with the woefully mismatched Rue McClanahan.

A Greek god? No. But oh, so very close as to wonder if the Greeks dared to make statues that resembled anything like our dear Conrad. After a stint on stage and other such Shakespearean blah blah, Bain burst onto the celebrity scene like a savage beast of man, first playing the oh so sexy Dr. Arthur Harmon in the beloved Maude series, and later wowing the entire planet like never before, playing aside that gorgeous chubby-faced cherubic icon Gary Coleman in the unforgettable series, Diff’rent Strokes.


Will celebritydom ever know another Conrad Bain? Impossible to tell, but perhaps as likely as another first man on the moon. What I will say is this: for years and years Conrad Bain gave anyone with a wall outlet and rabbit ears atop the boob tube a chance to laugh, cry, and fall in love with the very epitome of very young, and very hot. For that, the world thanks you Conrad Bain, and may our memories of Diff’rent Strokes season 3, episode 7 (about three minutes in, when CB picks up the newspaper) last throughout the ages.

NEWS FLASH: Senor Montalban es Muerte!

Frowns everyone, frowns! Mexican-born actor Ricardo Montalban, the star of tv's Fantasy Island (1978-'84), has passed away at the age of 88. Aside from playing Mr. Rourke alongside Tattoo, a character played by midget actor Herve Villechaize, Montalban is also known for his roles as Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, as Vincent Ludwig in The Naked Gun, and as the grandfather in the second and third Spy Kids movies.

Unlike many Hollywood actors, Ricardo Montalban (a.k.a. "Ricky Monts") was married to the same woman, Georgiana Young, from 1944 until her death in 2007--a union that produced 4 children. With that thought in mind, none of us, no matter how much we loved El Senor, should be upset that he has passed on to ascend to that Fantasy Island in the sky. After all, he and his wife have now been returned to one another to live out their days in everlasting happiness, tiptoeing through the clouds and rolling around in them in each other's arms.

I'd like to think that Montalban, his wife, and Herve Villechaize are sitting around one another on chairs of "fine Corinthian leather" at this moment, playing a high stakes game of Baccarat, snacking on salted cashews and Goldfish crackers, and sipping on Old-fashioneds that are garnished with an abundance of maraschino cherries.

You Guess It (1/12 - 1/18)

In the pic from last week, the man kneeling before GW said, "Don't worry, Mr. President. I can reattach your belt buckle," after the Prez's silver belt buckle--it was in the shape of Texas--came loose and fell to the ground.

Moving to this week's risque pic, when William Shatner played celebrity photographer on the set of a Playboy shoot, what was he overheard to say as he was lounged beside the model?

A.) Oh, Sweet Jesus, you are divine!
B.) Just stay still. I'd like to get a close-up of your areola. It's so pink, so smooth.
C.) I can't believe George Takei wouldn't get off on this.
D.) All the megapixels in the world can't do your body justice!

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/12 - 1/18)

Hey, McDonald's, what the hell is up with you not capitalizing the "i" in your slogan "i'm lovin' it"? On top of that, you don't even put a period at the end of the statement. Do you think you're too good for the rules of the English language? You're not fooling me, trying to appeal to the youth by attempting to imitate the popular text messaging style-- a style that often neglects to use ANY form of capitalization!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/12 - 1/18)

Last week's HOT! HOT HOT! celeb was none other than Willard Scott, best known for his work on NBC's Today as that guy who gives props to superannuated people thanks to the fine people at Smuckers.

For this week's clue I have selected a person who TRULY became larger than life in his older years, known to billions of people. However, back in the day he was "Very Young" and "Very Hot"! Can you name this man who ascended to the pearly gates in 2005?

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/12 - 1/18)

If you truly remember the '70s and all that it had to offer, you most likely recall Phantom of the Paradise, a film written and directed by Brian De Palma. Combining an ace director with a score from pint-sized Paul Williams of "We've Only Just Begun" fame and an opening narration from Mr. Rod Serling makes this film an indelible guilty pleasure.

And doesn't Mrs. Brady, Florence Henderson, look like the film's main character, the Phantom? Oh how similar their eyes and beaks are!!! I must thank my friend and colleague, John Reeves, for this week's selection. Well done, good man!

You Guess It (1/5 - 1/11)

In last week's "You Guess It," Barack Obama said neither A, B nor C, so the answer is D: "None of the above." In fact, President-Elect Obama was telling the soon-to-be V.P. about the meal he and his wife had the night before at Washington, D.C.'s Acadiana restaurant, a Southern Louisiana-style eatery.

So let's get down to the brass tax. With G.W.B.'s days in the White House numbered, I figured I'd feature him before it's too late (Then again, with Dubbya, is it ever too late?).

*What is the man in front of the soon-to-be former U.S. President saying to the Commander in Chief?

A.) Mr. President, people will talk about how that man is standing so close to your backside.
B.) Hold on, Mr. President. My finger seems to have found its way into your zipper.
C.) Don't worry, Mr. President. I can reattach your belt buckle.
D.) Mr. President, you're so tall!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/5 - 1/11)

For those of you who are perplexed by last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" actor, the answer is Mr. Robert Wagner, known as "R.J." to those closest to the actor. Yes, back in the day, well before television's Hart to Hart, Wagner was quite the catch.

This week's edition features a man who has made a career of Weather and Birthdays. If that's not enough of a clue, I don't know what is. Back in the '50s, however, this Virginian was a radio DJ, and he appeared on Barn Party, a children's television show. Back then (as evidenced by the picture above) he was quite young and hot, gap in the teeth and all! Who is he?

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/5 - 1/11)

What the hell has happened to the mother of Sylvester Stallone? Somebody better tell Jackie Stallone that she's getting WACKY with her plastic surgery! Eeee-nuff already! Jeez, she looks like a Michael Myers mask.

Oh well, Sly, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, now does it, Mr. Cat Eyes?

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (12/29 - 1/4)

THANK GOD my lady friend didn't get me a Snuggie for Christmas. I mean really, a blanket WITH SLEEVES??? The last I checked a blanket with sleeves is called a BACKLESS ROBE! The tv ad suggests you even wear one at an outdoor sporting event. You might as well wear a Liberace tuxedo while you're at it or a full mink coat (ala Joe Namath). CAVEAT EMPTOR: Though the people at Snuggie advertise a buy-one-get-one-free deal when you buy one Snuggie for $19.95, you'll have to pay an additional $7.95 for shipping and handling; that's on top of the initial $7.95 you pay to ship the first one! Oh, I forgot, you get a free book light. That makes all the difference.

Chad Pennington's Hair (Episode 1)

Since I don't have much hair myself, I take great delight in those who are still in possession of their lustrous locks, never missing an opportunity at casting jibes their way. Since the Miami Dolphins are playing for their post-season lives today, I turn my attention to their quarterback, Chad Pennington.

* Chad's hair needs to be tamed. The waviness at the side is distracting, not to mention the front, which doesn't know if it wants to be parted or methodically tousled with product. I mean, c'mon Pennington! Do guys still use gel?

A graduate of Marshall and the former QB of the Jets, I've long considered Pennington's locks to resemble a run-of-the-mill Hair Club for Men patient. You be the judge!

* A Hair Club patient before . . .

* . . . and after!

Who Is More Likely . . . ? (12/28 - 1/4)

Those of you who have seen the film Ghost are no strangers to Tony Goldwyn's ruthless character (Carl Bruner), a supposed friend of Patrick Swayze's character (Sam Wheat) who has him killed off for the almighty dollar only to pursue his bereft girlfriend (Molly Jensen) played by Demi Moore.


Though I hope that just as many of you are also familiar with Patrick Swayze's kid brother, Don, something tells me that I'd be wrong.


With that said, here's my morbid question: After Patrick Swayze succumbs to pancreatic cancer and becomes a ghost, who will be more likely to drop in on his wife, Lisa Niemi, during her time of grief, offering the new widow a sturdy shoulder on which to cry while all the while thinking about the possibility of sex with her in Patrick Swayze's former bed?

* Will it be actor Tony Goldwyn, the man who moved in on Swayze's on-screen love interest in Ghost, or . . .

* Don Swayze, the younger brother of Patrick Swayze whose face makes him look like he's constantly sucking on a lemon?

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (12/29 - 1/4)

* One last time: the title for this piece comes from a professor I had as an undergrad. One time, this professor, a man I came to admire, prefaced the viewing of a film by saying to the class, "This adaptation of Tennesse Williams' Cat on a Hot Tin Roof stars a VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT Paul Newman." Similarly, he also said, "This production of Desire Under the Elms stars a VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT Anthony Perkins." It is to this professor, a man who shall rename nameless, to whom I dedicate this feature on my blog.

Congrats to those of you who guessed the last "Very Young, Very Hot" actor as none other than Mr. Leslie Nielsen, best know for his role as Lt. Frank Drebin on tv's Police Squad and in The Naked Gun films.

For this week, I've selected an actor whose autobiography was released not too long ago. He was a star of television and film for several decades. Though the passage of years have resulted in him doing lowly tv commercials about reverse mortgages for older folks, back in the day he was relevant, not to mention VERY YOUNG and VERY HOT.