THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/21/09 - 9/27/09)

This just in: When the t.v. movie of Dr. Oz's downward spiral into hell is made, complete with cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos, DON SWAYZE will play the DOC! Yes, Patrick's recently bereft bro has the same chinny chin chin, nose and eyes as "The Great Oz." Sure, he's a little craggier and haggard than Oprah's guru, but it ain't nothing a little putty can't fix.

One Hollywood insider reports that the project hasn't been greenlighted yet, for Don Swayze is still in the process of sabotaging Oz's life so that he will eventually be led down a road of cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz who met her three friends on the yellow brick road, Swayze's plan for the project will have Dr. Oz travel (on foot) from point A to point B, meeting a teenage cocaine dealer, a middle-aged tranny prostitute, and a WWII veteran casino bus driver along the way.

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

This week's picture of an adorable Gary Coleman wasn't easy to select, but after much debate, the winner is . . .

GIL AND GARY (1979)

* In 1979, Coleman appeared in two episodes of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century as Hieronymous Fox, a boy genius.

It looks as if one-time heartthrob Gil Gerard and Gary Coleman are having a bundle of laughs in this pic from 20 years ago, so why is it adorable?

1.) Gary Coleman's outfit makes him look like a little winged monkey. ADORABLE!

2.) He even has little black boots. REALLY ADORABLE!

3.) Sitting on the table with his arm around Gil Gerard makes him look like a ventriliquist's dummy. EMBARRASSINGLY ADORABLE!

4.) Chubby cheeks, a perfectly groomed afro, and a button nose. OVERWHELMINGLY ADORABLE!

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

Did Tony Randall's itty bitty brother play mushroom-headed robot Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century? Based on appearances, you'd think that was the case; in reality the pint-sized actor is Italian native Felix Silla, who is still alive at the age of 73, making a living with his signature at Sci-Fi conventions like Buck Rogers himself, Gil Gerard.

While Tony Randall's claim to fame came with t.v.'s The Odd Couple as Felix Unger, Silla is credited with two classiv t.v. roles: Twiki and Couisin Itt from The Addams Family. You go Felix!!!

A Very Young, Very Hot Gary Burghoff: Vice, Vexation and Vindication

by Contributing Correspondent

Zip Rand-Masterclean

When the Rand-Mastercleans first stepped off of the Mayflower some 900 or so years ago, we had no idea what a savage impact a very young, very, VERY hot Gary Burghoff would have on our family history. Well, here’s the dirt if you must have it:
VICE: The year was 1976. America was celebrating its 200th birhtday, and I was a boyish teenager helping Grandma Rand-Mastercleam finish up her bicentennial quilt. M*A*S*H was aplaying on the boob tube, and we were having a few chuckles when Grandma got racy and said, and I quote, “That Wayne Rogers gets my blood flowing, I’ll tell you that.” Well, I suppose I was caught up in all the craziness, because I blurted out “Well, my little penis would have a field day with that darling little Gary Burghoff!”
Vexation: Needless to say, the knitting needling halted to the sound of a record needle dragging across grooved vinyl, and while I was not cast out completely, I was certainly blackballed from any of the Rand-Masterclean’s reindeer games. I was teased, scoffed at, jostled, mimicked—even forced to sit alone at a table for twelve at the annual family reunion in Port Chester. I existed in a living hell for nearly one calendar year, until…
Vindication! Grandpa Rand-Masterclean let out his last wheezing gasp in March of ’77, and though I was cut out of his billions, I was allowed to scrape around in his study for whatever trinkets I wanted to keep as my own. Well, get this: in a check for petty cash under the pee-stained daybed mattress, what did I find? A curious little novelette entitled Dormitory Boy. Yes, a dirty little saga of boy meeting boy in the most intimate manner. And what did I find tucked inside? None other than three photos: one, a bare and hairy-chested Lyle Wagoner; a bathing-suited wet-as-a-washcloth Karl Malden; and, tucked neatly between page 86 and 87, this very photo of a very young, very hot Gary Burghoff!

God bless you Walter "Radar" O’Reilly! And for the rest of you Rand-Mastercleans out there who are jealous of the continued fame I have found on this blog: once and for all, in the name of justice, I did not plant those photos and pictures!

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze (August 18, 1952 - September 14, 2009)

Who can forget Patrick Swayze's famous declaration as Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing: "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" While it may be true that NO ONE put Baby in the corner in that 1987 film, when the world bellowed, "Nobody puts Swayze in the coffin!" it fell on God's deaf ears.

People magazine's SEXIEST MAN ALIVE from 18 years ago (Has it been that long?) has passed away after a lengthy bout with pancreatic cancer. Loved by the ladies for his roles in Dirty Dancing and Ghost and by the guys for Red Dawn, Road House and Point Break, Patrick Wayne Swayze even made his mark as an icon in niche markets: the gays gobbled him up as the indelible drag queen Vida Boheme in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar while the Emo youth were introduced to him in the cult classic Donnie Darko as Jim Cunningham.

Swayze leaves behind his wife of 24 years, Lisa Niemi, two sisters, and two brothers, one of whom is actor Don Swayze. For all things Don Swayze, check out http://www.donswayze.com/.

* Don Swayze with older brother Patrick

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

For this week's "Very Young, Very Hot" I've selected a man in uniform. After all, the ladies tend to be a sucker for . . . Well, you know the rest.

Baring a striking resemblance to a Top Gun Tom Cruise, this military man once sported a sexy overbite and a boyish come-hither stare. Unlike Cruise, this week's pick is no star of the screen, but he had been in the newspapers and on the television A LOT in 2008.
True, he's old now, but back in the day he was VERY YOUNG and VERY HOT.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

Former NFL player and ex-coach of Da Bears, Mike Ditka, obviously has NO RIGHT showing his skin to the sun (as evidenced by the picture above). But his lobster coloring, complete with sunglass marks, does make him look a helluva lot like Ron Pearlman's Hellboy character.

R.I.P. John Quade (April 1, 1938 – August 9, 2009)

Born John William Saunders in Kansas City, Kansas, young Saunders went on to be dubbed John Quade, a silver screen heavy who appeared in indelible films with Clint Eastwood: High Plains Drifter and The Outlaw Josey Wales. But who could forget his role as Cholla the Black Widow Biker in both of Clint's orangutan flicks (Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can)?

Oddly enough, one of Quade's most memorable lines wasn't in an Eastwood film! In the 1987 biopic La Bamba, which chronicled the life and death of Richie Valens, Quade played a bartender. In his one and only scene, which came opposite actor Esai Morales who plays Valens' stepbrother Bob, Quade shuts off the tv behind the bar, prompting Morales to tell him to put it back on, adding, "That dude's my brother!" In reply Quade quips, "Yeah and I'm your Irish uncle."

Mr. Quade, who passed away at his home in Rosamond, California, is survived by his wife, 6 children and 10 grandchildren, not to mention his mother, 2 brothers and 2 sisters.

To our Irish Uncle John, a fine Irish proverb:

Dá mbeifeá chomh láidir le crann darach, gheobhaidh an bás an ceann is fearr ort.

If you are as strong as an oak tree, death will still vanquish you.