Rooney's Reason to Live Spoils Celebrity Death Pools

Celebrity death pools such as "You Bet Their Life," "Rotten Dead Pool" and "Celebrity Dead Pool" have been building momentum since the invention of the Internet, pitting morbid citizens against one another in these annual contests that aim to tap dance on the graves of the deceased. Though the rules to these pools vary, most of them require each entrant to pony up a monetary amount (the sums usually range from $25.00 - $100.00 ) and sumbit a list of celebs who the participant feels will expire during the course of the year that's being played. So from 12:00 a.m. on January 1st until 11:59 p.m. on December 31st of each year, rabid death poolers across the country and the world hope and pray for the demise of their respective celebrities, and they're awarded points for each snuffed life. One celebrity, however, has been playing the role of spoiler in these pools for the past several years.

According to Ken Jovel, creator and overseer of the newest celebrity death pool "Celebrity Stiffs," Mickey Rooney has been "screwing these pools for almost six years." Jovel's interest in the game was peaked shortly after he was laid off by General Motors in March of 1997, providing the widowed father of two with the free time necessary for such endeavors. "A lot of people think death pools are a crap shoot; they take the 'pick the oldest ones' approach to playing the game, but they'll never win that way. You gotta do your homework," stated Jovel. "That said, Mr. Rooney's ruined about 65% of my players' pools since the '02 season. He doesn't know when to call it quits!"
* Ken Jovel is upset that Mickey Rooney is still living.

So why do many death watchers continue selecting the diminutive actor for their hit lists? According to Nancy Herndon, choosing Rooney "has become a given. No one wants to be the player who didn't select him in the year that he actually does die," surmised Herndon, an RN at an Oregon hospital. "I've been picking Mickey since 1999, and I'm not stopping now."

While most of the players in the death pools take their hits and misses in stride, one of the gamers on Jovel's "Celebrity Stiffs" site became so enraged at the end of the '06 season that he began hatching a plan to murder Rooney after losing the $9,400 pot because of him. "I obviously don't condone what that guy was plotting. He was just upset about the money. His daughter needed braces and his house was in want of a new roof. He started making some remarks to other players in my pool's chatroom," stated Jovel. The former death pooler mentioned wanting to stab Rooney, so Jovel contacted the authorities. "He wasn't arrested, but he's seeking professional help."
* The Grim Reaper at the scene of a motorcyclists's casualty. He's been unable to claim Mickey Rooney's soul due to the actor's strong constitution.

Undoubtedly, Mickey Rooney is still living because his life has purpose. Dr. Mehmet Oz, a popular ficture on Oprah, recently told the show's viewers that "elderly people who have a reason to rise and shine in the morning live 10-12 years longer than their peers." Rooney not only continues to appear in films like last year's comedy Night at the Museum, but he also busies himself in the traveling stage show "Let's Put on a Show!" with his wife Jan. At this rate, Rooney will live well into the next decade.
* Dr. Oz, with Oprah and a prop brain, is the Carrot Top of celebrity doctors.
* Rooney with Judy Garland, his friend who died 38 years ago, years before the creation of the popularly-played celebrity death pools.
* Experts attribute Rooney's longevity to his having a reason to get up in the morning.
* The little actor kisses the Queen's gloved hand as his wife of 29 years, Jan Chamberlin, looks on. Chances are it isn 't the kiss of death.

This Week's Separated at Birth (9/24 - 9/30)

The confetti-throwing, toupee-wearing comedian Rip Taylor is obviously not Tom Selleck's father due to Taylor's homosexuality, but there's no reason why he can't be Magnum's uncle.

A close look at both performers' eyes says it all, not to mention their similar eyebrows and moustaches. Even Rip's helmet hairpiece resembles what Selleck's coif may one day look like.

New Study: Hillary Clinton Wears More Faces Than Anyone

Who would've thought that Hillary Diane Rodham, when she met the world on October 26, 1947, would one day gain unparalleled distinction. True, she graduated from Yale Law School and became the 42nd First Lady of the United States, later gaining her own political greatness as a New York state senator, but all of these accomplishments pale in comparison with her latest accolade: "Hillary Rodham Clinton makes more facial expressions than any human being on record," states Dr. Al Jaworski, a Communications professor of non-verbal behavior at Boston College. "All humans have the same amount of facial muscles, but Clinton seems to use them like no other."

* Hillary with her husband Bill, a ruddy-faced couple with bad skin years before Hill's talent was recognized.

Jaworski, who once specialized in the topic of verbal pauses and their intent, became exhausted with the subject in 2002. "There are only so many 'Uhs' and 'Ums' one can take," recalls the professor. "I took a sabbatical to do some soul searching and found that the face was calling me. When I was in France with my now ex-wife, I discovered that my maternal great grandfather was a doctor whose life passion was the muscles of the human face."

* Al Jaworski's great grandfather, Guillame Duchenne, with a patient. Duchenne attached electrodes from his homemade electrical stimulation device to the faces of his drifter patients to gauge which facial muscles are voluntary and involuntary.

Though Jaworski's great grandpa reportedly used unethical practices, often experimenting on mentally retarded patients from a nearby sanitarium, that hasn't tainted the professor's view of his ancestor: "My great grandfather did what he had to do for the good of neuroscience. I heard claims that he held patients against their will and dumped bodies, but that was never proven. His only crime was not having relatives sign a consent form, but he didn't need that back then. These people were wards of the institution, castaways no one wanted."

As for Jaworski's work, its genesis is not only rooted in his geneology; additionally, the professor's keen eye sight and his admitted infatuation with Hillary Clinton all converged, materializing in a recently-published paper. "I found that I was watching Hillary whenever I got the chance, on the television, the internet, in the newspaper. I thought one day, 'I might as well start coding her facial expressions.' She's so damn expressive, and I love that about her!"

* Professor Jaworski's infatuation with the former First Lady led to a true labor of love.

In Jaworski's paper, which coded the facial expressions of Hillary and 49 randomly selected public figures in interview settings, Clinton's facial movements occurred 20% more often than subjects Queen Latifah, Andre Agassi, John McCain, Steven Spielberg, and even Everybody Loves Raymond's Brad Garrett. The 2008 Democratic candidate had everyone beat, even moving the muscles of her face more frequently than rubber-faced actor Jim Carrey. "My findings will be presented at this year's national Communications conference. The paper will be rather appealing, but I'm in the process of creating a humorous pictorial slide show to accompany it. I'm no fool. Sometimes these conferences can get a little dull," admitted Jaworski.
"You can't handle the truth!"
The proud parent smile
The possessed stare
"No wire hangers!"
The frightened horror movie actress
The overly excited game show contestant
Hillary's "Don't even think about it!" frown
The pursed lips look of disapproval
The open-mouthed smile (a.k.a. "The Joker")

This Week's Separated at Birth (9/17 - 9/23)

Suzanne Sommers' overly botoxed lips are making her look more and more like Janice, the guitarist from the Muppets' "Electronic Mayhem Band." All Sommers has to do is start tanning daily to give her the orange Oompa Loompa tan. When that happpens, the HSN star will be ready to join the world's greatest puppet band!

Husband's Celebrity Mistake Provokes Tears From Wife At Labor Day Party

In a twenty-two-year marriage, every husband will inevitably slip up, leaving the milk out on the breakfast table, not unplugging the iron before heading off to work, and the perenially popular faux pas of not putting the seat down on the toilet bowl. These are offenses for which most husbands are forgiven as the spouses learn to deal with their male counterparts' forgetfulness.

Mindy Brazier was no different than most women, constantly reminding her husband Charles early in the couple's marriage not to forget to "do this" or "do that," but she eventually turned a blind eye to Charles's mistakes, chalking them up as an inherent ineptness that was due to his "maleness." However, Charles, for the past two years, has routinely embarrased Mindy at backyard barbeques, dinner parties, and various other functions, confusing celebrities with one another when in mixed conversation with friends and family.

During a Labor Day party at the Braziers' friends' Cape Cod home, Charles's latest mistake was "the straw that broke the camel's back!" declared Mrs. Brazier to the partiers in attendance. "It's over!" she added, drying her tears with a paper napkin as she stormed inside to the bathroom.
* Mindy and Charles Brazier in happier times at their wedding in 1985.

At 7:55 p.m., as the sounds of Michael Buble played from outdoor speakers and the glow of tiki torches ensconced the guests on the Alderman's (the Brazier's friends') mahogany deck, one partygoer, Eric Nelson, a Cape Cod veterinarian and neighbor of the Alderman's, mentioned a film he and his wife Suzy recently saw: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Nelson lightly elbowed Mr. Brazier and said, "It was pretty funny. But God, that Jessica Biel is something else. She's got a body that just won't quit! Man, she's hot!" Fred Alderman, the party's host, agreed, telling Nelson and Brazier that he saw the commercial for the film a few months ago and still couldn't forget the image he saw of Biel in her bra and panties. All the while, Brazier was dumbfounded. He bit his tongue for almost a minute, sipping on his Jim Beam and lemonade cocktail, but eventuallly blurted out, "You guys are WAY OFF! She hasn't been hot since Flashdance when that water poured down on her. She's gotta be an old woman now. Let me guess, you guys are into granny porn," Brazier playfully added as he let out a loud laugh.

That's right: Mr. Charles Brazier confused Jessica Biel, the former Seventh Heaven actress and current Hollywood hottie, with Jennifer Beals, the star of the '80's classic Flashdance.
* The Biel-Beals mix-up wasn't the first time Charles Brazier confused two celebrities, but this latest mistake has put a strain on his marriage.

When Mindy heard the news of her husband's latest faux pas, which occurred approximately 10 yards from where she and a group of ladies were sitting at a table, holding glasses that were filled with various white and red wine varietals, she soflty said, "Not again," over and over until her friend, May Alderman, put her arm around Mindy and whispered, "It's okay. Just enjoy the night. Don't you go and cry."
* May Alderman tried to calm down her irate friend.

The scene, with Eric Nelson repeatedly shouting, "Hey guys, Charles confused Jessica Biel with Jennifer Beals! Do you believe that?" was too much for Mindy to take, despite her friend's efforts. "Mindy pulled from me and fled inside in tears," recalled Alderman. "I knew it was bad. Much worse than the last time." According to Mindy's gal pal, Charles embarrassed his wife not too long ago at a Fourth of July barbecue that the Braziers were hosting, when he
misinterpreted a conversation that his brother-in-law Peter Martin was having with one of the Brazier's neighbors.

The mistake was "laughable," said Martin. "Here I am talking to a guy who lives across the street from Charles and my sister; it turns out this guy is a college friend of Ron Perelman's, the billionaire, and Charles chimes in, saying, 'That guy's no billionaire! You can't make that kind of scratch acting! Don't listen to him, Pete. He's a liar with a capital L!' Well, I was embarrased, but at least I'm not married to Charles. My poor sister."
* Charles called his neighbor "a liar with a capital L" for saying that the television and film actor Ron Pearlman is a billionaire. As it turned out, Charles's neighbor was referring to the CEO of Revlon, Ron Perelman.

That's the tough road Mrs. Brazier has had to tread down for the past few years as her husband has publicly confused baseball great Reggie Jackson with Jesse Jackson, legendary music producer Clive Davis with jazz icon Miles Davis, and dozens of other pairings. As of now, the Braziers are separated, but the couple is talking about entering counseling.

Vick's Use Of Omni Stationery Embarrasses Hotel Chain

James D. Caldwell, the successful CEO of Omni Hotels since 1996, has never had to contend with any "real" negative press. Of course there was one rumor that a handful of rooms at the Washington, D.C. Omni were serving as per diem brothels for politicians, and that the former manager of the Omni in Ann Arbor was reported to have regularly referred to his African-American employees as "darkies," but neither comes close to Caldwell's current situation.

On August 27th, moments after former celebrity dogfighting guru and NFL quarterback Michael Vick gave his "apology" speech before the media, a Humane Society employee who was present that day quickly retrieved a piece of paper that the disgraced Vick dropped to the floor as he bid adieu to the throng of reporters. On that paper were Vick's speaking notes, complete with poor penmanship, misspellings, improper punctuation, and numerous abbreviations. However, the Omni CEO's current woes are not a result of Vick's poor writing skills; rather, the notes were written on Omni stationery.

As a result, the Humane Society is asking Americans to boycott all of Omni's hotels "since the chain apparently allowed Vick to spend a night there," said Megan Collender, a spokesperson for the organization. "We animal lovers need to send them (Omni Hotels) a message. Before you know it, they'll let O.J. Simpson stay there!"

* Megan Collender of the Humane Society, pictured with her cat Mr. Sooty, would like Americans to not patronize Omni's chain of hotels.

In response to HS's boycott, Caldwell claims that Vick didn't even stay at their hotel. "He just used one of our hotel's ballrooms to give his apology, which is why his notes were penned on our stationery." Caldwell, a self-proclaimed animal lover who himself owns three French hens and two turtle doves, the latter which he purchased for his wife to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary in 2004, maintains that he and his chain "in no way condone Vick's actions."
* Omni Hotels' CEO Caldwell is an animal lover who wants nothing to do with Michael Vick.


* Compare Michael Vick's speech (above) with his speaking notes (below). Did he keep to the script? You be the judge.
* Look closely to try and count Vick's spelling mistakes and punctuation errors.

The Humane Society plans on auctioning off Vick's notes on eBay in the hopes that they will fetch the foundation a sizeable sum of money. Meanwhile, James D. Caldwell and Omni Hotels are thinking of drawing up designs that will take 10% of their hotels' rooms, converting them into deluxe canine and feline rooms. As for Long John Silver's fastfood restaurant, which Vick reportedly dined at after the press conference, there has been no mention of whether the Humane Society is planning on boycotting them.

This Week's Separated at Birth (9/3 -9/9)

* Dick York (top) and Jim Carrey (bottom) have the same swooping brown hair, pronounced chin and rubbery face, which makes me wonder, "Why did Will Ferrell play Darrin in the BEWITCHED film?" My media reports tell me that Carrey, who's no stranger to the biopic genre, will be playing Dick York on the silver screen should someone prove that York's life was interesting enough for moviegoers.