Man Frustrated After Halloween Costume Backfires; Vows to be Vindicated

Last Halloween when Keith Landers attended a co-worker's rooftop party on the outskirts of Seattle, his costume didn't go as planned. This year, however, this determined Starbucks shift manager plans on making his younger co-workers eat crow.

"I couldn't believe they didn't know who I was," recalled Landers. "It was sad. Only one person knew who Richard Simmons even is!"

* Landers (pictured above), hours before a 2009 Halloween party where he was confused for everything from Ronald McDonald to "that woman on Three's Company" (both pictured below).

The 31-year-old Landers, who went so far as to jog around the party for minutes on end, yelling lines like "Ohhhhhkay ladies, time to Sweat into the Oldies!" and "Stay away from those nachos. They're not on your Deal-A-Meal!" couldn't drop enough hints to the crowd, a collection of teenagers and early twentysomethingers who remained clueless.

"We just thought like he had too many macchiatos," said Becky Jorgensen, one of Landers' baristas. "He kept poking me. It was really annoying."

After numerous sets of jumping jacks and squat thrusts around the partygoers were met to no avail, the failed Richard Simmons exited the party dejected, not even waiting to see the party's winning costume worn by Ben Meyers, an employee recently-hired by Landers.

* Meyers, whose Price-Is-Right costume took the party's 20-dollar prize.

Having put last year's events behind him, Landers promises to wow everyone at his co-worker's annual Halloween party in 2010: "I figure I'll make it a little more current, so I chose Tony Little."

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

Sure, they ain't the world's best looking gals--especially the one on Gary's left with the prominent pelvic bones--but Gary Coleman seems to be in "booby heaven" with those signature cheeks flanked by traffic on Mammary Lane. It's a good thing Gary grew a little! A little shorter and he'd be sandwiched by STDs.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

For those of you who remember well the '80s, Libyan leader Col. Muammar el-Qadaffi, better know by just his surname, made it into American headlines as President Reagan's "mad dog of the Middle East." But since then what the hell has happened to this once-hot leader?

In keeping with the '80s (and you devotees of this decade), Mr. Libya now looks like Sam Crenshaw of t.v.'s Today's Special (1982-1987). And if you don't remember T.S., a Canadian children's show that aired on Nickelodeon, shame on you!
Can it be that Qadaffi looks like the security guard puppet on a kids' show? Yes! Look at their eyes, their testicle sac noses, and their complexions. Ahhhh, if only puppet Sam had black wiry hair.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/21/09 - 9/27/09)

This just in: When the t.v. movie of Dr. Oz's downward spiral into hell is made, complete with cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos, DON SWAYZE will play the DOC! Yes, Patrick's recently bereft bro has the same chinny chin chin, nose and eyes as "The Great Oz." Sure, he's a little craggier and haggard than Oprah's guru, but it ain't nothing a little putty can't fix.

One Hollywood insider reports that the project hasn't been greenlighted yet, for Don Swayze is still in the process of sabotaging Oz's life so that he will eventually be led down a road of cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz who met her three friends on the yellow brick road, Swayze's plan for the project will have Dr. Oz travel (on foot) from point A to point B, meeting a teenage cocaine dealer, a middle-aged tranny prostitute, and a WWII veteran casino bus driver along the way.

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

This week's picture of an adorable Gary Coleman wasn't easy to select, but after much debate, the winner is . . .

GIL AND GARY (1979)

* In 1979, Coleman appeared in two episodes of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century as Hieronymous Fox, a boy genius.

It looks as if one-time heartthrob Gil Gerard and Gary Coleman are having a bundle of laughs in this pic from 20 years ago, so why is it adorable?

1.) Gary Coleman's outfit makes him look like a little winged monkey. ADORABLE!

2.) He even has little black boots. REALLY ADORABLE!

3.) Sitting on the table with his arm around Gil Gerard makes him look like a ventriliquist's dummy. EMBARRASSINGLY ADORABLE!

4.) Chubby cheeks, a perfectly groomed afro, and a button nose. OVERWHELMINGLY ADORABLE!

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

Did Tony Randall's itty bitty brother play mushroom-headed robot Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century? Based on appearances, you'd think that was the case; in reality the pint-sized actor is Italian native Felix Silla, who is still alive at the age of 73, making a living with his signature at Sci-Fi conventions like Buck Rogers himself, Gil Gerard.

While Tony Randall's claim to fame came with t.v.'s The Odd Couple as Felix Unger, Silla is credited with two classiv t.v. roles: Twiki and Couisin Itt from The Addams Family. You go Felix!!!

A Very Young, Very Hot Gary Burghoff: Vice, Vexation and Vindication

by Contributing Correspondent

Zip Rand-Masterclean

When the Rand-Mastercleans first stepped off of the Mayflower some 900 or so years ago, we had no idea what a savage impact a very young, very, VERY hot Gary Burghoff would have on our family history. Well, here’s the dirt if you must have it:
VICE: The year was 1976. America was celebrating its 200th birhtday, and I was a boyish teenager helping Grandma Rand-Mastercleam finish up her bicentennial quilt. M*A*S*H was aplaying on the boob tube, and we were having a few chuckles when Grandma got racy and said, and I quote, “That Wayne Rogers gets my blood flowing, I’ll tell you that.” Well, I suppose I was caught up in all the craziness, because I blurted out “Well, my little penis would have a field day with that darling little Gary Burghoff!”
Vexation: Needless to say, the knitting needling halted to the sound of a record needle dragging across grooved vinyl, and while I was not cast out completely, I was certainly blackballed from any of the Rand-Masterclean’s reindeer games. I was teased, scoffed at, jostled, mimicked—even forced to sit alone at a table for twelve at the annual family reunion in Port Chester. I existed in a living hell for nearly one calendar year, until…
Vindication! Grandpa Rand-Masterclean let out his last wheezing gasp in March of ’77, and though I was cut out of his billions, I was allowed to scrape around in his study for whatever trinkets I wanted to keep as my own. Well, get this: in a check for petty cash under the pee-stained daybed mattress, what did I find? A curious little novelette entitled Dormitory Boy. Yes, a dirty little saga of boy meeting boy in the most intimate manner. And what did I find tucked inside? None other than three photos: one, a bare and hairy-chested Lyle Wagoner; a bathing-suited wet-as-a-washcloth Karl Malden; and, tucked neatly between page 86 and 87, this very photo of a very young, very hot Gary Burghoff!

God bless you Walter "Radar" O’Reilly! And for the rest of you Rand-Mastercleans out there who are jealous of the continued fame I have found on this blog: once and for all, in the name of justice, I did not plant those photos and pictures!

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze (August 18, 1952 - September 14, 2009)

Who can forget Patrick Swayze's famous declaration as Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing: "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" While it may be true that NO ONE put Baby in the corner in that 1987 film, when the world bellowed, "Nobody puts Swayze in the coffin!" it fell on God's deaf ears.

People magazine's SEXIEST MAN ALIVE from 18 years ago (Has it been that long?) has passed away after a lengthy bout with pancreatic cancer. Loved by the ladies for his roles in Dirty Dancing and Ghost and by the guys for Red Dawn, Road House and Point Break, Patrick Wayne Swayze even made his mark as an icon in niche markets: the gays gobbled him up as the indelible drag queen Vida Boheme in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar while the Emo youth were introduced to him in the cult classic Donnie Darko as Jim Cunningham.

Swayze leaves behind his wife of 24 years, Lisa Niemi, two sisters, and two brothers, one of whom is actor Don Swayze. For all things Don Swayze, check out http://www.donswayze.com/.

* Don Swayze with older brother Patrick

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

For this week's "Very Young, Very Hot" I've selected a man in uniform. After all, the ladies tend to be a sucker for . . . Well, you know the rest.

Baring a striking resemblance to a Top Gun Tom Cruise, this military man once sported a sexy overbite and a boyish come-hither stare. Unlike Cruise, this week's pick is no star of the screen, but he had been in the newspapers and on the television A LOT in 2008.
True, he's old now, but back in the day he was VERY YOUNG and VERY HOT.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

Former NFL player and ex-coach of Da Bears, Mike Ditka, obviously has NO RIGHT showing his skin to the sun (as evidenced by the picture above). But his lobster coloring, complete with sunglass marks, does make him look a helluva lot like Ron Pearlman's Hellboy character.

R.I.P. John Quade (April 1, 1938 – August 9, 2009)

Born John William Saunders in Kansas City, Kansas, young Saunders went on to be dubbed John Quade, a silver screen heavy who appeared in indelible films with Clint Eastwood: High Plains Drifter and The Outlaw Josey Wales. But who could forget his role as Cholla the Black Widow Biker in both of Clint's orangutan flicks (Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can)?

Oddly enough, one of Quade's most memorable lines wasn't in an Eastwood film! In the 1987 biopic La Bamba, which chronicled the life and death of Richie Valens, Quade played a bartender. In his one and only scene, which came opposite actor Esai Morales who plays Valens' stepbrother Bob, Quade shuts off the tv behind the bar, prompting Morales to tell him to put it back on, adding, "That dude's my brother!" In reply Quade quips, "Yeah and I'm your Irish uncle."

Mr. Quade, who passed away at his home in Rosamond, California, is survived by his wife, 6 children and 10 grandchildren, not to mention his mother, 2 brothers and 2 sisters.

To our Irish Uncle John, a fine Irish proverb:

Dá mbeifeá chomh láidir le crann darach, gheobhaidh an bás an ceann is fearr ort.

If you are as strong as an oak tree, death will still vanquish you.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/26- 2/1)

I FINALLY caved in and bought a Wii this past weekend as my ladyfriend and I were shopping. So what am I irritated about do you ask? With that purchase yesterday, I've embarked on a future that is more sedentary than it used to be as I sit my gamer ass on mine and my ladyfriend's couch, pretending to be on a tennis court or on a baseball field as I munch on Doritos and throw back a 2 liter Dr. Pepper. Oh, I'm embarking on the path toward obesity, and I'm scared. Someone help me!

This Week's Seaparated At Birth (2/9 - 2/15)

Greg "Shock G" Jacobs (aka "Humpty Hump"), the Groucho Marx of rap music, looks a helluva lot like new Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. "Okay, Dems!" said the Republicans. "You wanna showcase a black for the presidency, we'll give you one too." A black man holding a prominent position for the GOP? I'm sure some of the party members are looking at Mr. Steele and picturing him sing, "Stop what you're doin' 'cause I'm about to ruin the party and the color that you're used to."

Adrienne Barbeau: Praise for the Days Before Silcone

by Seamus O'Goolihy (guest blogger)

As a young lad in Ireland, I was confronted with two problems: one, there wasn't much television--as a child, the shows were mostly just still pictures of the saints, with a narration from the local priest--added to that, what with my eighteen brothers and sisters and both sets of grandparents packed into our small Dublin house, I had almost no refuge, no haven where I could release my sexual desires. Thus, I was missing two crucial elements any teenage boy would need in such a pubescent endeavor: space and inspiration.

Then one evening, as the church bells called all of us children in from play, I heard a strange sound coming from the telly. It was a song. A show from America! Maude was its name, complete with real-life actors and color as well. Then, as I sat on the sofa to have a look, she appeared: a dark-haired woman with swinging breasts the size of which I had never seen. Within half a second, I imagined myself an ancient Roman coming home from battle, and she, my wife, my lovetoy, with whom I could release any and all of my desires. As I imagined myself tearing off her robe and and exposing her milky-white mammoths, I exploded with such force, the jism tearing through my trousers and onto the floor near Grandpa Murtaugh's clubfoot. Lucky was I that young Connor was eating a bowl of porridge on the floor, and I could blame my predicament on him before searching for some privacy, for the woman who excited my loins was still on the screen, and I was ready for the second salvo. Indeed, while I was more devoted than any other man to Maude and the actress I grew to know as Adrienne Barbeau, I couldn't so much as hear the words "and then there's Maude" without running to the bathroom with my hands across my groin.

So I'll end my story with this: the years since Maude have given television audiences many other well endowed ladies, but with the advent of silicone implants and women like that pathetic cougar Demi Moore, I doubt the honesty of any modern girl, which is why, when 'tis time to release my milky manhood, I hearken back to an era of truth and beauty, and the queen of the age, Adrienne Barbeau. John Carpenter, may you rot in hell, you lucky bastard!

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/26 - 2/1)

Holy Sweet Jesus, let's put The Wizard of Oz on Broadway so that Jerry Stiller can play the Mayor of Munchkinland! I can hear Jerry's gruff voice singing the words first sung by Charlie Becker, the original mini mayor: "As mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the land of Oz, I welcome you most regally."

And if Mr. Stiller refuses our casting call, deciding that he'd like to play Oz himself, we'll say, "No, Jerry! Damn it, no! A thousand times, no! You were born to play the MAYOR, Jerry. The role of Oz . . . we're giving it to your son."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/26 - 2/1)

Why on Earth did I stay to watch the lackluster ending dance number in Slumdog Millionaire?All I've been hearing about this movie is "You gotta see the ending!" Well, you know what: Bollywood, Schmollywood, it was crap! All I learned is that two of the film's actors, Dev Patel (Jamal) and Freida Pinto (Latika), couldn't dance their way out of a basket even if a snake charmer beckoned them with his flute. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but the dance featured piss-poor choreography in addition to taking me out of the contemplative, somber mood I had been brought into.

Verbal Misunderstanding, Man's Reason To Live

This past Saturday morning Jerry Amerstam went to his Brooklyn corner deli as always for a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich (on a Kaiser roll), light on the salt, heavy on the pepper, heavy on the ketchup. But a little after 9 a.m. he heard something which, according to the 56-year-old bus dispatcher, gave him "a reason to live."

Mr. Amerstam recalled, "I was just standing there, waiting for my sandwich, when a guy in a chef's outfit comes in, and I hear him ask Billy [William Santoro, the deli's owner], 'You got any meunster cheese, chief ?'"

What caused the recently divorced man to break into riotous laughter, however, wasn't the chef's question; it was what both he and Santoro thought they had heard from the anxious chef. "I give Jerry his sandwich," stated Santoro, "then I ask this chef guy how much meunster cheese he needs. Well, he says, 'No, I need mustard seeds!' At this point, Jerry breaks out into the loudest laugh I've ever heard, slapping his knee and all."

* Jerry Amerstam (center) no longer plans on checking out of this world anytime soon thanks to what he thought heard at his local deli.

Amerstam, whose wife filed for divorce this past September, has felt depressed about his marriage's demise. The Williamsburg resident even admitted to thinking about jumping onto the Broooklyn Queens Expressway this past Christmas Eve. All of that, though, seems to have changed ever since the incident between the chef and the deli owner. "I'm telling ya, somebody's gotta make this into a movie, or at least a book," suggested Amerstam. "Stuff like this doesn't happen everyday."

* William "Billy" Santoro, owner of "The Corner Place," is confident that Amerstam, a devoted cutomer, will be back for his breakfast sandwich for years to come.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/12 - 1/19)

I am IRATE that actor Adrian Zmed is on VH1's Confessions of a Teen Idol mostly because of some of the other actors on the show who DO NOT DESERVE to flush the toilet that Mr. Zmed defecates into. Actors like David Chokachi (Who?) of Baywatch are so bush league in comparison to the star of T.J. Hooker and Grease 2!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/19 - 1/25)

Don't hate me all you Roman Catholics, but last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" article featured the now-deceased Pope John Paul II. The picture of PJP2 was of him when he was known as Karol Wojtyla, a young, hot man who would one day go on to become the FIRST POLISH POPE.

For this week, I'll be less irreverent, going back to Hollywood for an image of youth and hotness. Yes, as evidenced by the above picture, it's a pic of another guy, but that's what makes this weekly piece different. After all, the famous femmes are always credited for being "Very Young" and "Very Hot," but unless you're Clooney or Pitt, we guys seldom get our recognition. So, who is the young, hot under-shirted male celeb this week? Hint: he once starred with Patrick Swayze in a VERY DIRTY film at a time when he was neither VERY YOUNG nor VERY HOT.

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/19 - 1/25)

Thanks to the fine folks at dlisted for this pic of Amy Casa de Vino on vaycay in St. Lucia, a shot actually taken by a photog from England's Sun. Am I the only one asking, "And I was oddly attracted to her dirtiness, complete with heroin tracks, overly mascared raccoon eyes, and three-day worn panties?"

If that's true, I must also have the hots for Tim Curry as Dr. Frankenfurter, the star of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yuk! Can you say, The Crying Game? Sweet Jesus, gimme some turpentine to clean my tainted flesh!

P.S. Thank you MK for covering Amy's molehills with pictures of her hubby, Blake.

Did You Know? (Part I)

I hate to admit that I've gone most of my life thinking that the guy who played Blacula in two blaxploitation films--Blacula (1972) and its sequel Scream Blacula Scream (1973)--was most likely some down-on-his-luck brother who took on the role of the black bloodsucker for an embarrassing paltry paycheck. Though I've often scoffed at the Blacula character, I was dead wrong to mock the man behind the widow's peak! Did you know . . .

1.) William Marshall, the man who played Blacula, grew up the son of a dentist, attending New York University before training at the Actors Studio.

2.) He was Hollywood Horror Legend Boris Karloff's understudy in the 1950 Broadway production of Peter Pan for the role of Captain Hook.

3.) He also starred in a vast number of Shakespearean productions in the U.S. and abroad, playing the title role of Othello numerous times.

4.) On tv, he made his way into episodes of The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, Bonanza, Rawhide, Ben Casey, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Star Trek, The Wild Wild West, Mannix, The Jeffersons, and Benson.

5.) On the silver screen, he acted in Demetrius and the Gladiators (with Victor Mature), The Boston Strangler, and Maverick.

5.) He assumed the role of the King of Cartoons on tv's Pee-wee's Playhouse, delivering that indelible line: "Let . . . the cartoon . . . begin!"

6.) He taught acting at the University of California, Irvine.

7.) He succumbed to Alzheimer's and diabetes on June 11, 2003, and some of the eulogies spoken at Marshall's funeral were delivered by heavy hitting actors such as Sidney Poitier, Paul Winfield, Ivan Dixon and Marla Gibbs.

A Very Young, Very Hot, Conrad Bain

by Zip Rand-Masterclean (guest blogger)



Yes, that “wife beater” tank-top wearing Marlon Brando could hold a candle, but not to the megasuperstar that is Conrad Bain, pictured above with the woefully mismatched Rue McClanahan.

A Greek god? No. But oh, so very close as to wonder if the Greeks dared to make statues that resembled anything like our dear Conrad. After a stint on stage and other such Shakespearean blah blah, Bain burst onto the celebrity scene like a savage beast of man, first playing the oh so sexy Dr. Arthur Harmon in the beloved Maude series, and later wowing the entire planet like never before, playing aside that gorgeous chubby-faced cherubic icon Gary Coleman in the unforgettable series, Diff’rent Strokes.


Will celebritydom ever know another Conrad Bain? Impossible to tell, but perhaps as likely as another first man on the moon. What I will say is this: for years and years Conrad Bain gave anyone with a wall outlet and rabbit ears atop the boob tube a chance to laugh, cry, and fall in love with the very epitome of very young, and very hot. For that, the world thanks you Conrad Bain, and may our memories of Diff’rent Strokes season 3, episode 7 (about three minutes in, when CB picks up the newspaper) last throughout the ages.

NEWS FLASH: Senor Montalban es Muerte!

Frowns everyone, frowns! Mexican-born actor Ricardo Montalban, the star of tv's Fantasy Island (1978-'84), has passed away at the age of 88. Aside from playing Mr. Rourke alongside Tattoo, a character played by midget actor Herve Villechaize, Montalban is also known for his roles as Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, as Vincent Ludwig in The Naked Gun, and as the grandfather in the second and third Spy Kids movies.

Unlike many Hollywood actors, Ricardo Montalban (a.k.a. "Ricky Monts") was married to the same woman, Georgiana Young, from 1944 until her death in 2007--a union that produced 4 children. With that thought in mind, none of us, no matter how much we loved El Senor, should be upset that he has passed on to ascend to that Fantasy Island in the sky. After all, he and his wife have now been returned to one another to live out their days in everlasting happiness, tiptoeing through the clouds and rolling around in them in each other's arms.

I'd like to think that Montalban, his wife, and Herve Villechaize are sitting around one another on chairs of "fine Corinthian leather" at this moment, playing a high stakes game of Baccarat, snacking on salted cashews and Goldfish crackers, and sipping on Old-fashioneds that are garnished with an abundance of maraschino cherries.

You Guess It (1/12 - 1/18)

In the pic from last week, the man kneeling before GW said, "Don't worry, Mr. President. I can reattach your belt buckle," after the Prez's silver belt buckle--it was in the shape of Texas--came loose and fell to the ground.

Moving to this week's risque pic, when William Shatner played celebrity photographer on the set of a Playboy shoot, what was he overheard to say as he was lounged beside the model?

A.) Oh, Sweet Jesus, you are divine!
B.) Just stay still. I'd like to get a close-up of your areola. It's so pink, so smooth.
C.) I can't believe George Takei wouldn't get off on this.
D.) All the megapixels in the world can't do your body justice!

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/12 - 1/18)

Hey, McDonald's, what the hell is up with you not capitalizing the "i" in your slogan "i'm lovin' it"? On top of that, you don't even put a period at the end of the statement. Do you think you're too good for the rules of the English language? You're not fooling me, trying to appeal to the youth by attempting to imitate the popular text messaging style-- a style that often neglects to use ANY form of capitalization!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/12 - 1/18)

Last week's HOT! HOT HOT! celeb was none other than Willard Scott, best known for his work on NBC's Today as that guy who gives props to superannuated people thanks to the fine people at Smuckers.

For this week's clue I have selected a person who TRULY became larger than life in his older years, known to billions of people. However, back in the day he was "Very Young" and "Very Hot"! Can you name this man who ascended to the pearly gates in 2005?

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/12 - 1/18)

If you truly remember the '70s and all that it had to offer, you most likely recall Phantom of the Paradise, a film written and directed by Brian De Palma. Combining an ace director with a score from pint-sized Paul Williams of "We've Only Just Begun" fame and an opening narration from Mr. Rod Serling makes this film an indelible guilty pleasure.

And doesn't Mrs. Brady, Florence Henderson, look like the film's main character, the Phantom? Oh how similar their eyes and beaks are!!! I must thank my friend and colleague, John Reeves, for this week's selection. Well done, good man!

You Guess It (1/5 - 1/11)

In last week's "You Guess It," Barack Obama said neither A, B nor C, so the answer is D: "None of the above." In fact, President-Elect Obama was telling the soon-to-be V.P. about the meal he and his wife had the night before at Washington, D.C.'s Acadiana restaurant, a Southern Louisiana-style eatery.

So let's get down to the brass tax. With G.W.B.'s days in the White House numbered, I figured I'd feature him before it's too late (Then again, with Dubbya, is it ever too late?).

*What is the man in front of the soon-to-be former U.S. President saying to the Commander in Chief?

A.) Mr. President, people will talk about how that man is standing so close to your backside.
B.) Hold on, Mr. President. My finger seems to have found its way into your zipper.
C.) Don't worry, Mr. President. I can reattach your belt buckle.
D.) Mr. President, you're so tall!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/5 - 1/11)

For those of you who are perplexed by last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" actor, the answer is Mr. Robert Wagner, known as "R.J." to those closest to the actor. Yes, back in the day, well before television's Hart to Hart, Wagner was quite the catch.

This week's edition features a man who has made a career of Weather and Birthdays. If that's not enough of a clue, I don't know what is. Back in the '50s, however, this Virginian was a radio DJ, and he appeared on Barn Party, a children's television show. Back then (as evidenced by the picture above) he was quite young and hot, gap in the teeth and all! Who is he?

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/5 - 1/11)

What the hell has happened to the mother of Sylvester Stallone? Somebody better tell Jackie Stallone that she's getting WACKY with her plastic surgery! Eeee-nuff already! Jeez, she looks like a Michael Myers mask.

Oh well, Sly, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, now does it, Mr. Cat Eyes?

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (12/29 - 1/4)

THANK GOD my lady friend didn't get me a Snuggie for Christmas. I mean really, a blanket WITH SLEEVES??? The last I checked a blanket with sleeves is called a BACKLESS ROBE! The tv ad suggests you even wear one at an outdoor sporting event. You might as well wear a Liberace tuxedo while you're at it or a full mink coat (ala Joe Namath). CAVEAT EMPTOR: Though the people at Snuggie advertise a buy-one-get-one-free deal when you buy one Snuggie for $19.95, you'll have to pay an additional $7.95 for shipping and handling; that's on top of the initial $7.95 you pay to ship the first one! Oh, I forgot, you get a free book light. That makes all the difference.

Chad Pennington's Hair (Episode 1)

Since I don't have much hair myself, I take great delight in those who are still in possession of their lustrous locks, never missing an opportunity at casting jibes their way. Since the Miami Dolphins are playing for their post-season lives today, I turn my attention to their quarterback, Chad Pennington.

* Chad's hair needs to be tamed. The waviness at the side is distracting, not to mention the front, which doesn't know if it wants to be parted or methodically tousled with product. I mean, c'mon Pennington! Do guys still use gel?

A graduate of Marshall and the former QB of the Jets, I've long considered Pennington's locks to resemble a run-of-the-mill Hair Club for Men patient. You be the judge!

* A Hair Club patient before . . .

* . . . and after!