I'm irritated by a man who's been my neighbor for 21 years, Bill Merriwether, who had insisted on telling me that his great nephew is the actor Will Smith. This guy's claimed to be a distant cousin of James Brown, a groomsman at Aretha Franklin's second marriage, and the nephew of Frederick Douglass.
I first suspected that Bill was full of manure when I learned that Douglass was born in 1817, nearly 125 years before Bill. Secretly, my pals and I have been calling him "Bullshit Bill" for the past 10 years or so. Anyway, Bill thought he was all hotsy-totsy when those MEN IN BLACK movies came out, never missing a chance to remind me of his famous nephew "Willy" whenever we'd see each other at the post office, the bank, or the luncheonette. In fact, he continued with this charade every now and again, adding little remarks like "Willy's new movie with his son is coming out!" and "God, that Jada is somethin' beautiful, ain't she?"
Anyway, just the other day I was at the local luncheonette, where some of the guys from the neighborhood and I sit down to drink coffee and complain about the taxes, when Bill entered. I figured I'd have some fun with my old neighbor, so I asked, "Hey, Bill, did you read about your Willy in the paper?" He was caught off guard, but he tried to play it cool, offering a nonchalant, "No I didn't, Reid. I haven't spoken with him in a few weeks. How's he doing? What'd you read?" Bill was pouring his coffee at the luncheonette's self-service counter; his back was to me and the guys, so I winked at my table of buddies before relaying to Bill that his famous relative came out as a gay man. Bill continued pouring his cup and proceeded to do it up with a little milk and sugar as if he didn't hear me before replying, "You know that's not true, Reid. Don't talk like that." After I winked at my round table of cronies, my buddy Hal added, "It certainly is true. He's leaving his wife. It was in yesterday's paper." I didn't want any crass remarks to be exchanged, but before I could interject, my other pal Kevin stated, "Yep, queerer than a three-dollar bill." I felt bad for Bill when he turned around, but he said, "He's not my nephew, guys. He's a distant cousin . . . very distant."
My heart was going out to Bill . . . before he opened his mouth. I had initially been irritated with Bill because of his lies, but this new lie was even more pathetic: Because Bill took the proverbial bait that we were dangling, he chose to distance himself from an actor who isn't even his relative to begin with; on top of that, he isn't even gay. Oh well, just another case of lies breeding more lies. I just can't wait to hear how Bill will manage to reclaim Will Smith as his great nephew after he learns the truth.
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