Pac-Man Game Confiscated Due To Rape Charges

At 12:35 a.m. on Wednesday at O'Boylan's Tap House in Bangor, Maine, two officers responded to a 9-1-1 call that was placed by the bar's manager, Keith Lorstadt. Lorstadt, who started managing the weeknight shift at O'Boylan's two months ago, heard a throng of customers cry out, "Don't rape her!" "Stop it!" and "No!" while others shouted, "Do it! Do it!" "Get her!" and "All the way!" Immediately, the 58-year-old Lorstadt telephoned authorities, who soon arrived at the scene of something bizarre: The Pac-Man character inside the cocktail arcade game at O'Boylan's was raping Pinky, one of the game's ghosts.
* Above, a Pac-Man game similar to the one confiscated by Bangor authorities.

Patrolman Jeff Grueger, upon entering O'Boylan's, saw a circle of bar patrons who were screaming. "I was dumbfounded," said Grueger. "I couldn't believe that someone was being raped right in the bar. Not in Maine. Certainly not in Bangor." When Grueger and his partner, Sandra Caponegro, pushed through the excited throng, all they saw was a Pac-Man arcade game.

Both officers were unsure how to handle the situation. There certainly was no rape occuring in the bar, or at least the rape of a person. However, the sexual assault was happening within O'Boylan's leased video game. Billy Tiegel, a witness to the sexual assault, recalled, "My buddy John was playing Pac-Man for almost 5 hours; whenever his Pac-Man died, it was done by the pink ghost. Anyway, John was about to break the O'Boylan's record of 2 and a half million until he was done in by that pink ghost again." According to Tiegel, at about 12:20 a.m. the game's screen went black, and what appeared was Pinky the ghost tied to a 4-post bed. Seconds later, Pac-Man scrawled slowly into the screen and let out a maniacal laugh. He hopped up and down in front of the bed several times before hopping onto Pinky and grinding his round yellow body on top of her.
* Tiegel (above right) was one of the bar's patrons who witnessed the first-ever documented rape of Pinky by Pac-Man.

Bangor authorities questioned Pac-Man creator Toru Iwatani via telephone, and after several hours of barraging the video game designer with questions, he admitted to inserting a hidden feature within the game. "It's a sadistic feature," stated Bangor Police Chief Edward Stork. "According to Iwatani, it was only meant for him and his close friends to see. It was so secretive that no one at NAMCO (the company that produced Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man) knew about it." Stork explained that the only way the rape will occur, according to what he heard from the game's creator, is if a player scores more than 2 million points and the player's lives are all taken away by Pinky.
* Bangor Police Chief Stork at the press conference last week when he made public his department's findings.

Part of the evidence Stork's department collected with their fine-tooth combs was a Pac-Man sticker that was issued nearly 25 years ago when Pac-Mania was making its way across America and the world. The sticker, which was once sold in wax paper packs with a piece of bubble gum, clearly insinuates that an amorous relationship was in the works between Pac-Man and Pinky. When Iwatani was questioned about this piece of evidence, he admitted that he always wanted Pac-Man to marry Pinky in the final round of the game; however, NAMCO execs felt that a more suitable bride would be the character who later became Ms. Pac-Man. Stork recalled, "Iwatani was getting choked up when he told me about his plans that were halted by NAMCO. In response, he [Iwatani] created the rape in retaliation. I kind of felt bad for the guy. He told me all about his inter-racial marriage to a white woman and how Pac-Man's marriage to Pinky was a way for him to honor his own union with his wife."
* This particular sticker, according to Stork, is "proof positive that Pac-Man and Pinky were on the road to some hanky panky."
* Pac-Man creator Iwatani was infuriated when his plan to have Pac-Man marry Pinky was nixed. The whole Ms. Pac-Man spin-off was NAMCO's idea.

The powers that be at NAMCO have been contacted repeatedly by the Bangor P.D., but all calls have gone unanswered. Instead, they sent the department an e-mail several days ago, informing Stork that "NAMCO is a family-friendly corporation" who holds Pac-Man as one of their "greatest gaming endeavors." Furthermore, they clearly stated that "Pac-Man has always been devoted to his wife, Ms. Pac-Man." In sum, NAMCO was shocked to learn about Iwatani's covert addition to the game.
* Pac-Man barbecuing power pellets alongside his wife and child in a scene from the '80's Pac-Man cartoon.

Though no one, aside from Iwatani, may ever see Pinky raped by Pac-Man again, one of America's and the world's greatest video games of all time has been tainted. We can only hope that a young boy or girl will never stumble upon this frightful image of Pac-Man and Pinky.